More Blood Than Sleep
by sweeter than a drop of blood
Summary: "Bella, if you spend the night with me you will see more blood than sleep."  My first time writing, please read and review.
1. Things Start Splitting At The Seams

About three things I am absolutely positive. First, I am pregnant. Second, there is a part of me - and I didn't know how potent that part might be - that is truly excited about this baby. And third, I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with a man who is not this baby's father.

I'm staring at the three thin white plastic rectangles lined up on the edge of the bathtub, each displaying intersecting blue lines. _I'm pregnant_. Angrily I sweep the three tests into the grey Wal-Mart bag that lines the beige plastic garbage can. _And I'm fucking late. On the first fucking day of school. _I lurch to my feet and focus on my reflection in the mirror above the sink long enough to anchor my long brown hair in a messy bun at the nape of neck with a stretched out hair elastic from around my right wrist. Hurrying out of the bathroom I grab my large black leather purse and a grey hoodie from where they had been dumped last night on the kitchen table, I stuff my feet into worn out sneakers without untying them first. The back door closes with a bang much louder then I was expecting, causing me to jump and suck in the cool morning air which stung my lungs, I don't lock it. I stumble down the 4 steps at the back of the small green bungalow, glaring at the thick grey clouds that are blocking the beautiful mountain from my view while I fish the keys for my car out of my purse. I follow the cement path around the house to the car port that houses my scratched and dented black two door 1996 VW GTI, the doors are unlocked. _No one steals cars in a town this small_.

I am already a full 10 minutes late but that doesn't stop me from going into the Tim Hortons on the highway for 21 ounces of sweet creamy coffee. My limbs feel heavy and I can't bring myself to hurry as I turn off of the highway that cuts through the center of this small town and begin moving away from the mountain and the shallow river at its base. I approach the last structure on the street, a low sprawling white building bordered on one side by an empty field, and pull into the parking lot, brining myself to a stop in one of the empty spots labeled "STAFF". Leaning forward I marvel at how cool the plastic of the steering wheel feels against my forehead, I suck in a deep ragged breath and try to prepare myself.

I'm still juggling my coffee and trying to deposit my keys into my bag as I enter the large glass double doors at the front of the building. Just inside the doors and to the left a short, stocky woman in her early forties with poufy, shoulder length hair in an unflattering shade of peroxide blonde is sitting behind a large desk that's shedding its once white paint. I feel her eyes crawl up from my worn out shoes over my jeans and hoodie finally settling on my messy attempt at a hair style. She clears her throat, making my skin crawl. _The things I put up with just to pay the bills._

"Mrs. Newman, I am sure you're aware that classes started almost 20 minutes ago. Teachers are expected to be on time." She sounds bitchy and exhausted, nothing out of the ordinary.

I fix her with my brightest smile and start to gush, "Heather! Did you have an amazing summer? I heard you and Jim went down to the states for a few weeks."

I lean my hips into the side of her desk and reach across into the porcelain apple beside her computer, pulling out a few stale jelly beans which I pop into my mouth. I keep talking through the glob of slimy candy in my mouth before she gets a chance to respond. "I just could not get myself moving this morning. You know how it is, right Hun?"

I push myself off her desk with an over exaggerated sigh, pausing I turn back to Heather, and mock whisper; "Thank God my first period is prep or those little fuckers would think they owned me. Can you imagine, being late on the first day!"

It's all I can do not to roll my eyes and start laughing at the way her mouth hangs open. She doesn't know where to start and I am around the corner and out of sight before she gets the chance. I almost feel bad for fucking with her on the first day, but not quite because Heather Parker is a condescending old bitch. This is a character assessment that could easily be applied to the majority of the staff in this small school. Most of whom look down on me because I am not a real teacher_. I teach high school art, part time, like I need a fucking teaching degree._

I did graduate university, unfortunately I didn't realize until too late that a Bachelor of Fine Arts doesn't pay the fucking the bills. While I only teach 3 days a week it helps with money a lot because I use art supplies and equipment from the school and don't have to buy much myself anymore. I've never made any money from my art; in fact I've never even tried to sell anything that was never the point. Art is a form of therapy for me; it gets all the nasty thoughts out of my head and away from my heart.

This school has two main hallways separated by a large gymnasium. One hallway is dedicated to grades 6 through 12. The second hall has the younger grades and at the very end, next to orange double doors that lead to the playground and parking lot, my art classroom. I slowly wander down the empty hallway lined with grey metal lockers and rows of framed photos of past prime ministers towards my classroom. I listen to the muffled voices of teachers and young children. I pause to peak in a door that is slightly a jar, inside a group of almost 20 five year olds sit with crossed legs on the floor, staring up at a middle aged woman reading a story about the first day of school. I stand there watching these children until I feel tears pricking at the corners of my eyes. I'm not sure if I am happy or sad, my heart feels like it is going to punch through my chest and I can hardly breathe. I continue down the hall, the hand that's not holding my cheap cup of coffee unconsciously rubbing circles on my still flat tummy; it is almost impossible to wrap my mind around the idea that a person has taken up residence in there.

I enter, set my things on the cluttered desk at the front of my classroom and my thoughts turn to my husband. Dan is a good man and he loves me very much. I have no doubt, that if I tell him, he will be elated to discover we are having a baby, but that does nothing to ease my mind. _I never meant for this to happen, this was never part of the plan ._I have been selfish and now we will both pay the price. I will be forced to leave everything I have been clinging to because a few months ago I ordered a third pitcher of beer and the box of condoms in the bedside table was empty. _Things are splitting at the seams and now the whole things tumbling down because you were too drunk and horny. _

I only agreed to marry Dan because I was too weak to be alone anymore and he was just as alone as me. It seemed safe; since he has no family I will have no one to answer to when I eventually break his heart. I have enjoyed the last three years; for the first time in too long I feel like I have a home. But this is not what I am destined for and I'm not sure I can bring a child into it. I always told Dan the truth that I was broken and my heart belonged to another, even if that man isn't here to claim it. But I also knew that Dan truly believed my feelings would grow to mirror his own but they haven't and they never will.

No matter how much it pains me to acknowledge _his _long absence the thought of him is still like a drug for me. It brings a smile to my lips and numbs the very rawest parts of my soul. He is my deepest secret and I share him with no one. The fact that he might not reciprocate my feelings has never mattered to me, I cannot ignore that he is everything I need. I hold all of the details I have gathered about him in my heart wrapped in love, and in quiet moments I pull them out and pour over them like old love letters. Despite his absence there is a part of my heart that has always believed he will come for me. That same part of my heart knows that it doesn't matter how long I am with Dan, one look from _his _eyes and I would walk away without a second thought.

I try to clear my mind by concentrating on mundane tasks. I open the blinds and let the room fill with dusty sunlight. I unlock the supply cupboards and note what things are running low. I sip my coffee and plug my iPod into the little stereo on the counter, I scroll through the long list of music. Without warning my mind starts to compile a list of songs that I think this baby would like; my hands freeze. _What are you doing? _Y_ou're only making this harder for yourself. _I lean against the counter and feel the room swirl around me as I finally let my mind consider all of the ways this situation could play out. _I could belong with someone again. This person is my family. _The idea is so appealing it is almost obscene. And in that one instant my options are drastically depleted as I realize I will never be able to give this baby up.

I am quickly brought back to reality by the sound of students pouring out of classrooms into the empty hallways. All of my classes are small and it only takes a few minutes before all of my grade eleven students are milling around waiting for class to start. I'm surprised at how easy it is to get through all of my lessons considering my mind is heavily occupied. I eat my lunch on the floor of my supply closet alone with my thoughts and avoid seeing another staff member until the end of lunch hour when I enter the staff room for more coffee. I'm standing beside the old fridge adding cream trying to create the perfect shade of tan in my cup when I hear someone enter the room. I don't look up or acknowledge the person I can hear moving around behind me. Then a deep gravely male voice breaks the silence.

"Chin up Bella, it's going to be a good year."

I turn and smile at a white haired man quickly approaching retirement. Mike Bell has been teaching physical education at this school since before I was born. He has the distinction of being one of the few co-workers I actually like and I find myself wanting to believe him.

"I hope your right." I grab my coffee and am almost out the door when I hear him respond with a low chuckle.

My afternoon classes pass in a blur of familiar faces and projects. Before I know it my classroom is once again empty and through the windows I can see students congregating around the parking lot and playground. I spend a few minutes tidying and then grab my bag and head out the back doors towards the parking lot. I'm still inside the school, my hand on the door ready to push it open, when I see something that stops me in my tracks. My mouth is suddenly dry and my hands are shaking. I stare trying to find a way to explain the image before me.

Four students gathered around a shiny red car is not a rare sight in a town that has been flooded with money from ski resorts and tourism. What shocks me is that I recognize all four of them; they are images from my past I have struggled to wipe away. I study them trying to find even the slightest difference in their appearance since the last time I saw them. In the last eight years not a thing has changed about them while in comparison I hardly resemble or feel like the clumsy waif I used to be.

Their faces are happy and care free, not the dark brooding expressions I have imagined them with. I feel the fear like a lead ball in the pit of my stomach. My palms are sweating as I try to understand. They are not here for me, they are just here. _It's a coincidence. She is not here. He promised it would be like they never existed. _My anger at their presence starts to outweigh my fear and I know I can't let them stay here. _This is my home, it's not much but it's mine. She will find me if they are here_. A plan is already starting to form in my mind as the Cullen's pile into their small red car and drive out of the parking lot.


	2. My Heart Is A Blinking Nintendo

Once the red car was out of sight I made my way back to my classroom and started up the computer that hides under a pile of papers on my desk. It only took a couple minutes of digging to discover they were all using the same names, as if nothing had changed. The address on their files meant nothing to me but a quick Google maps search revealed it was an isolated ski lodge situated in a private valley just off the highway on the other side of the mountain.

I know they won't want to listen to me. I will have to shock and surprise them and hope it's enough to motivate them. I will have to revel one of my secrets just to get their attention. But if they leave maybe I can stay. Maybe she won't know I'm here. I have claimed this town as my own and I am going to protect it from the devastation they leave in their wake. _They can relocate their cold dead bodies elsewhere._

I managed to keep my mind occupied with planning the details of my surprise visit for the entire drive home. It wasn't until I was beside my house pulling up the parking brake in my car that I began to wonder if _he _was with them. After everything I had learned I didn't really believe he would be there, but I had to consider the possibility. At one time they had been a family and he could easily have returned. I knew it would be embarrassing to announce my feelings in front of all of them but if it was the only opportunity I was given I would take it without hesitation.

As soon as I took off my shoes and set my bag down I emptied the bathroom garbage, I don't want Dan seeing the pregnancy tests and asking me about it. I know I have some serious decisions to make but I need to remove the Cullen's from my town and my life before I will be able to think straight. I am incredibly relieved when I remember Dan is working a double shift and I wouldn't have to spend the entire evening pretending everything is fine. Dan, like a hefty percentage of the work force in this part of the province, works in the coal mines. The mines run nonstop with multiple long shifts staggered throughout the day. Follow the highway though any of the towns around here and you will see men waiting, on the side of the road with their large metal lunch kits and hard hats, for the bus that takes them to the mines.

I've heated up some left over lasagne and am eating supper over the sink so I won't have to waste time cleaning a dish. I finish my food quickly then get down to business and start practicing; I haven't used my shield seriously in almost 5 years and my control has never been great. I stand in my bedroom, in front of the full length mirror beside the closet, and concentrate on making myself completely invisible. I am shocked that it is so much easier than the last time I tried. I am able to make myself disappear almost instantly and it isn't hard to become visible again; when I had first discovered my shield I had trouble turning it off which caused some serious issues for me. _How do you tell your father you were home before curfew, he just couldn't see you?_

Within the hour I am able to control it to the extent that I can hide specific parts of my body while leaving the rest visible. I stand in front of the mirror trying different looks; headless Bella, I have no legs Bella, war amps Bella. _If only I had a Halloween party to go to_. I am surprised at how much control I have, it has never been like this before. I can feel exactly where my shield starts and ends, what is protected by it and what can slip through. I toss my cell phone in the center of the bed and try to throw my shield around it so I can't hear it when it rings. I am able to lock the noise within my shield on the first try. _They will have no clue I am there until I want them to know._

Now that I have been practicing my shield I can't stop myself from wrapping a layer of protection around the baby in my womb. I'm surprised because while I can't physically feel this baby inside of me I can sense it with my shield. I feel exactly where I stop and this new person starts; it is the most comforting sensation I have felt in a long time.

I'm blown away by how much control I have but I still need to test my shield more completely before walking into a house full of vampires tomorrow. So I walk out the back door of my house dressed in a red pair of Paul Frank pajamas with my shield wrapped around myself like an egg. I take my time walking the few blocks to the well lit grocery store. I wander up and down the aisles making faces, screaming and singing at the top of my lungs. No one looks at me; no one sees or hears me. I am walking by the dairy case admiring the way the light seems to shimmer through my invisible barrier when one of the teenagers who pumps gas at the Husky turns around and should have walked straight into me. But he never touched me, instead he is lying on the ground looking like he has just ran into a brick wall. _Well that's a new development. _My shield is much stronger then I had ever imagined._ Maybe it won't matter if she finds me. Maybe I can protect us. _

I leave the store and start heading home buzzing with my new found confidence as if it was electricity. If I didn't even know I could do this there was no way they would have any clue. _They can't hurt me if they can't touch or see me. _Well, there was always Alice, but from what I have learned she hadn't been able to see me for a while even before they left. I guess my shield, which had kept Edward out of my head, had slowly been growing until it could also shut Alice out. My ability combined with a threat to reveal their secret should be enough. _The Cullen's will not be staying here._

The house was still dark and empty when I approached. I take the opportunity and crawl into my bed to bask in the solitude. I'm lying in the dark trying to relax each muscle in my body and thinking about him; the reward at the end of a long day. I must have fallen asleep. one second I am dreaming that I am in a field of tall prairie grasses with a huge expanse of blue cloudless sky over head my body warm from the sunshine which I can smell, the next I am awake in my bed. I can feel the mattress shift as Dan lowers himself onto it. He wraps his arm around my waist, pulling my back tight to his chest. The smell of sunshine and grass is replaced with the musty smell of the mine combined with cigarettes and soap form the shower Dan must have just taken. His lips brush my ear, "Night sweetie." I sigh deeply and snuggle into my husband and the bed, but I don't acknowledge that I am awake. I struggle to send myself back to the expanse of prairie and the sense of comfort I felt in that dream, but am unable to conjure the place in my mind. Instead I allow myself to enjoy the feeling of strong arms wrapped around me; of warm breath on my neck; and of a heart beating steadily against my back. I bask in the love and affection I haven't earned and fall into a dreamless sleep.

I wake to find a quiet house. I'm surprised I was able to sleep through Dan leaving for work. I expected myself to be more nervous and unsettled, but instead I feel an intense determination. I leave the warmth of my bed to use the bathroom and brush my teeth. The grey linoleum floor in the bathroom is so fucking cold that my teeth are chattering by the time I'm done. I find a plaid button up that belongs to Dan crumpled in the corner of the couch and pull it on over my pajamas so I don't freeze to death.

In the kitchen I have to dig through 3 drawers before I find a coffee filter and I use the very last of the coffee beans, which isn't enough to make a full pot. I wonder back into the living room while the machine works its magic and put my favourite Modest Mouse record on the player. The starting riffs from _The Moon and Antarctica _join the gurgle of the coffee maker and I can't keep help but sing along to words I've had memorized for years. I have a few hours to waste since I don't work today and I won't be heading out to visit the Cullen's until the afternoon. The time passes quickly while I wonder around the house drinking coffee and singing. The house is only silent when a record needs to be flipped.

I start to feel a little nervous as the morning runs down and the afternoon approaches. I run a warm shower and stand under the flowing water until it runs ice cold. Once I have extracted my once again frozen form from the icy water I decide to dry my hair and even put on a little mascara. _I might not give a fuck what they think of me, but it's still hard to stand in a room with 6 flawless people while you look like a freak with a vitamin deficiency who hasn't figured out how to use a comb_. Since I am expecting a long walk home I pull on a clean black pair of yoga pants a sports bra and one of my favourite t-shirts.

Since I am planning to approach and retreat from the Cullen's house on foot I forgo my favourite worn out Chucks for a pair of real runners that I use at the gym when I can be bothered to go. I pull on my grey hoodie and a small black back pack filling it with a few select items from the cardboard box that lives at the very back of my closet, a small amount of cash and my iPod and ear buds. I stand by the back door and make one last visual sweep of my house trying to determine if I am forgetting anything. I decide to grab an apple from the bowl on the middle of the kitchen table and my teeth are breaking its skin before I'm out the door.

I walk back towards the grocery store I visited last night, this time without the protection of my shield. I stare at a cloudy grey sky as I wait on the sidewalk for the bus that will take me up to the resort at the base of the mountain; hopefully walking from there to the Cullen's secluded house won't take me much more than an hour. By the time the bus pulls up its quarter to 1 in the afternoon and there are 4 snowboard punks waiting at the stop with me. I can only assume they are heading up to the resort to try and nab some of the coveted winter jobs working on the mountain.

Once I've paid my fare I slowly meander down the aisle before picking a bench and sitting with my back against the window and my feet up on the seat. I cradle my back pack and its contents, my ammunition, to my chest. I've got one ear bud in but really I'm listening to the teenagers at the back of the bus talk about all the chicks they fucked and I wonder what _he's _up to tonight. Despite the hope and excitement I feel flaring up in my chest when I think I could be close to seeing him I hope he is far away from here and the Cullen's. When I think of what he' done since I saw him last I like to imagine that he found his way back to Texas and the two people who never tried to change him. I know the Cullen's believed they were helping him find a more peaceful life but it is impossible to forget who you were born and trained to be. All the Cullen's ever accomplished was to make him feel like a disappointment and failure. _And that's one thing which he could never be_.

I'm pulled from my thoughts and memories as the bus lurches to a stop in front of the main ski chalet of the resort. I disembark via the back door and cut across the empty parking lot towards the edge of the dense green forest and the marked hiking trails that litter the lower slopes of the mountain. I find the marker for the trail I need, _Smelters Ridge _will lead me down into the forest and eventually only few hundred feet from a small gravel road that cuts through the valley on the west side of the mountain. From what I could see on the internet the Cullen's long drive is the only thing on this road for miles around, I shouldn't have any trouble finding it.

I pull up my shield as soon as I dive into the trees. I don't want to leave my scent anywhere near their house. The pale grey light floating down through the branches of the evergreens instantly reminds me of the hours I spent searching the woods around Forks. I wasted so many hours looking for that stupid meadow, something to prove I hadn't gone mad and imaged the whole thing. _And I fucking found my god damned proof in that meadow_. Laurent's presence, his cloudy maroon eyes, had left no room for doubt.

After about 10 minutes I unzip my hoodie. Even without the sun shining hiking is hard work and sweat is gathering at the base of my neck and under my breasts. I keep the volume on my iPod low so I am aware of what's around me in the trees. After about 50 minutes I cross out of the tree line at the base of the mountain and hike up the ditch to the gravel road. As I'm catching my breath and wiping the sweat form my brow I curse myself for not bringing a bottle of water. _Even the Boy Scouts know you need to be prepared. _This trek was harder then I was expecting and I start to wonder if this whole growing a human being thing is effecting my energy levels. I take off my hoodie shoving it into my back pack and hold my iPod in my hand.

I start down the gravel road and try to lose myself in the music. After only 3 songs I can see the trees that are blocking the Cullen house from view. Another 2 songs and I'm at the end of their drive. My heart is hammering and I'm losing the confidence and determination I felt this morning. I stop before heading up the drive and try to prepare myself. I mentally remind myself of what is at stake, my hands finding my belly in a move that is becoming all too cliché and familiar. I dig up memories I have worked hard to forget of all of the bullshit violence and death that flooded my life because of them. I think of Renee and am relieved that for once I can turn these emotions into the rage I need instead of tears. I push the thought of Charlie away, not yet ready to face the guilt I have bottled up inside, instead focusing on the hate that Renee's murder planted within me hate of Victoria and hate of the Cullen's for leaving her alive and me unprotected.

I begin the trek up the Cullen's drive my steps sure and firm with purpose, my fists balled in rage. My shield seems to surge around me with force I have never felt before. In what seems to be the blink of an eye I am walking up to a huge modern house. 3 stories tall and all glass concrete and right angels the house is undeniably beautiful but out of place nestled in this wilderness. I push the front door and am not surprised to find it opens easily under my touch. _The Cullen's had never worried about security_. I stand in the foyer and listen until I am fairly sure no one is home.

I head through the living room with its high ceilings and enter a small kitchen that looks out over the back of the property. Wrapping my shield tight around my hand I open the fridge without ever actually touching it and scavenge a bottle of water from within. I down the entire bottle of cold liquid in one go. I would drink another but I don't want to have to pee; I'm not sure I could manage that without leaving a trail of some sort. I check the time on the microwave and see that it is already twenty past three and I guess I won't have long until all of the Cullen's are home.

Despite my curiosity I won't allow myself to wander further then the living room. However I do allow myself to thoroughly examine everything that's visible while I wait. I stop my ipod and shove it into a side pocket on my backpack and listen intently for the sound of anyone approaching while I take in the room. Most of what is on display does not interest me; book shelves filled with a variety of titles; A large screen TV hooked up to a satellite receiver, PS3, Xbox 360 and Nintendo Wii; shelves full of DVD's and video games; a few large abstract paintings; and vases full of flowers. What does interest me is the one wall filled with framed snap shots. If you didn't look too closely it seems to be a record of 4 obviously loved teenagers. However closer inspection reveals that the 4 subjects never age or change although the style of their clothes and the quality of the photographs does. It only takes me only a few seconds to scan every photo and release a deep breath when I am sure each photo has only some combination of the same 4 faces. He is clearly no longer a member of this family.

My internal celebration is interrupted by the sound of tires on the gravel drive. I move and take a seat on the couch staring at the door. I hear one car stop followed closely by another, there is the sound of doors closing but I can't tell how many. My palms are damp; I drag them over my thighs. I hear voices and then the door opens and I see Edward, my throat tightens and my hands are in fists. _I will never forgive you_. I count to one hundred and breathe deeply through my nose. By the time I am able to focus they are all in the room.

Alice has her hand wrapped around Edward's wrist and is dragging him toward the stairs yammering about some project she wants his help with. Emmet is already rifling through the shelves of games trying to decide what to play. Rosalie is pouring over a pamphlet Esme just handed her talking about vacations. And Carlisle is closing the door and asking Edward about his day. I don't allow myself to recognize or process any of the emotions that wash over me. I take a deep breath. _Now or never_. I drop my shield and pull it in tight around my baby. The six of them instantly freeze as they hear my heart beat and then turn towards me.

It takes me a second but I am able to find my voice. "You shouldn't be here. You all need to leave."

12 golden eyes are locked on me and no one is moving. Finally Carlisle relaxes his tense stance and his velvet soft voice breaks the silence. "Bella? Is that you?"

I can't help myself. "Who the fuck else would I be?"

Carlisle takes a second to glance at Edward who has not moved and still has his eyes locked on me, his mouth slightly open in shock. The good doctor looks back to me and asks; "How did you get here?"

"I walked."

At my response Rosalie exhales audibly and Emmet giggles. Carlisle silences them with one look. I'm still sitting, trying my hardest to seem relaxed, on their couch with my backpack beside me waiting for Carlisle's next question. "How did you hide yourself?"

"I used my shield."

Everyone is quiet. Esme is wringing her hands. Emmet and Rosalie are staring at each other across the room like they are having a silent conversation. Alice keeps glancing between myself and Edward who still hasn't moved. I keep my eyes locked on Carlisle who is actually rubbing his temples. _Like a fucking vampire can get a headache_. I take another deep breath and then reach into the bag beside me. I toss a Forks High School year book and Carlisle's laminated credentials from the Forks Hospital on the glass coffee table. I zip my bag and toss it over my shoulder as I stand. "If you don't want people here asking how you didn't age in the last eight years then you need to leave."

Carlisle, Esme, Emmet and Rosalie are all staring at the items on the table like they can't quite decipher what they might be. Alice's eyes are now locked on Edward her face a blank mask. Edward's eyes are clearly raking up and down my form and their colour is quickly changing from gold to black. As soon as I recognize the change in his eyes I shield my smell and the sound of the blood in my veins and I finally return his stare. "You promised me I would get to live a normal life. You said it would be like you never existed. This is my home, you need to leave."

Edward looks panicked for a minute. His mouth opens and closes a few times before he is able to speak. "What happened to your smell and the sound of your heart?"

I take a deep breath and try to stay calm. "Just making sure you can control yourself."

Edward finally tares his eyes away from me and looks pleadingly at Carlisle. They speak, but it's too quick for me to understand which pisses me off. I point to the items I left on the coffee table; "I have a lot of treasures just like those. You all need to leave this town." I start slowly backing towards the kitchen.

"Wait!" Edward's voice is loud and high pitched, desperate. "I missed you, I have thought about you every single day."

Rage is boiling beneath the surface of my skin. The hatred I feel for him is so intense I can hardly control myself. I want to ask if he thought of all ways I might have need protection or help from the family I had been promised. If he had thought of all the different ways he could have killed me and tortured my body, but I don't want him to know I have seen who the true Edward Cullen is. I decide to speak a portion of the truth; I have never been good at lying. My voice cracks and shakes with the anger that is consuming me like flames. "I'm broken. You left my heart blinking like an old Nintendo it's never going to work again!"

And then I am invisible again, wrapped in my shield and heading for their back door as quickly as I can. I feel sharp pressure at my back and my shield seems to burn a bright blue colour around me. And then I am out their door and running alone across the valley, my breath scraping and burning my lungs. I don't stop until I am on the side of the highway and the tears have dried to trails of dirt on my cheeks.


	3. That Teenaged Feeling

RPOV

One second she's standing there screaming with her hands balled in tight little fists looking like she might burst a blood vessel in her eye, and the next she's just fucking gone. Edward moves so fast I hardly see him, lunging to where she was standing. There is a sound like lightening and flash of blue light so bright I have to close my eyes. When I open them she is nowhere to be seen, the door is swinging in the doorway from one hinge, and Edward is slumped against a crumbling portion of concrete wall in the living room. He slowly stands and dusts his hands off on his creased khaki pants, his eyes are pitch black and venom is starting to run down the corners of his mouth.

Edward starts to lower himself into a crouch, staring out the swinging back door and growling from low in his chest. Before he can move Emmet's fist connects with his jaw and Edward is once again slumped against the wall. Emmet's voice booms, filling the room; "Leave her the fuck alone." My hands are shaking with the same rage that my mate channelled into his command. It's about time someone makes it clear how totally fucked Edward's reaction to this girl is. _We have all suffered from because of this bullshit. _

"We are not going through this again, we will leave right away." Carlisle's voice is shaky and lacking confidence, the gaze he fixes on Edward is far more pleading then commanding. He had been so disturbed to learn about Edward's true thoughts towards Bella; he had lost his perfect golden son with that knowledge. It had taken years before he could look Edward in the eyes again. But we had left, she had lived, Edward had never committed the act he most wanted to the one he would never have been able to forgive himself for.

"Of course we are going to leave. He isn't going near her." Emmet is pacing the anger clear in his darkening eyes.

Alice's tinkling voice comes from where she is now sitting on the stairs. "She's a shield. That's why Edward couldn't read her mind. It's why I haven't seen her. It's why I didn't see the damn birthday party."

"The birthday party happened because your dead beat ex-husband didn't decide he wanted to drain her until the last second." Edward's harshly growled words cause us all to stiffen, but no one is ready to admit their own guilt by defending our scorned brother. Each one of us made the mistake of easily doubting Jasper while standing by Edward and Alice without hesitation. I started playing the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme song over and over in my head to stop that mind reading fuck from knowing my true thoughts. Edward is glaring at Esme and he screeches; "Of course she's changed, she's a human, that's what they do." He's rubbing the bridge of his nose and venom is spraying when he talks but at least his black eyes are now ringed by a small sliver of gold.

Carlisle intervenes before Edward can lash out at us more thoroughly. "We're going hunting. You need to get out of here and calm down." Edward accepts Carlisle's outstretched hand and begins moving towards the front door. Carlisle's gaze finds Esme and he instructs "Find a new place for us to go. Make sure the rest of them start packing." And then the front door slams and the two of them are gone.

The four of us are now frozen. My mind plays back the ten minutes since we walked through the door in slow motion. I briefly wonder if vampires can go into shock. But even as I am thinking that I am also thinking about her, about her birthday and how that night completely changed my family. I let myself think about Jasper, even though it stings my heart. I remember the last request he made of me; I reach into the purse that is still slung over my shoulder and find my black berry. I type the e-mail without looking at the screen. As I am hitting send I finally speak; "Since we're obviously not going to let him fucking murder her where are we headed?"

JPOV

From where I am laying on the bottom of the pool the sound of my phone vibrating, on the low glass table beside my lounge chair, notifying me of a new e- mail is little more than a murmur, even with my vampire hearing. I can't think of anyone who would be writing me, so I feel no need to end my two hour submersion. Also I am fairly sure Peter will really want to know who e-mailed me, and making the impatient douche bag wait will be the highlight of my week. It's almost twenty four minutes before I hear Peter start to fidget in his lounge chair. _Colour me shocked. The fucker showed Yoda like patience_. He paces around the table holding my phone five times and then he takes three giant strides.

Everything is quiet for a second and then he is crashing through the water and his knees are crushing my chest. _So much for peace and relaxation_. He pulls his right elbow back and rams my skull a few inches into the smooth tile floor with his fist. Peter leans in so his nose is almost touching mine and then he uses all the air in his lungs to scream; "You got a fucking e-mail!"

I extract myself from the water and start to slowly dry myself with a soft white towel. Peter keeps shuffling around and glaring at the offending phone; Charlotte is still reclined in her chair trying to stifle her giggles. Peter glares at her then barks; "This is important, and it's going to effect you too."

She sighs and removes her sunglasses revealing her piercing red eyes. "What do you know?"

"That he needs to read this fucking e-mail."

I walk over to the low glass table and grab the phone; I'm almost excited to show him the shitty spam that is sure to be in my inbox. I freeze completely still when I see Rosalie's name. It's a good thing I don't need air anymore because I can't fucking breath. _What the fuck_?

"What the fuck?" Peter's inquiring mind also wants to know.

I force myself to move. I open the message and try to absorb the words on the screen.

J,

She's here with us (Fernie, British Columbia). We just found out. Hopefully we'll be gone soon.

R

A thousand dark and terrifying ideas flood my brain in an instant. I fall to my knees and Peter grabs the phone out of my hand. I feel like I am drowning in desperation and fear. She shouldn't be anywhere near them. I must be projecting because the next thing I know Charlottes foot connects with my jaw.

"Major, that shit's not going to help anyone." I'm surprised by how tense her voice is while her emotions are strong and switching between excitement and anger.

Peter's voice isn't tense, it's sure and steady. "What the fuck are you waiting for? If you run all out you can make it there in 6 hours." I can't move. I'm frozen. _I could see her. She could hate me. I know where she is. She is so fucking close._

"She's going to fucking need you!" Now Peter is angry. He doesn't have to tell me twice. And I don't have to ask how he knows. _Peter just knows things._

In a few seconds I'm dressed and pulling on my boots. Peter is standing in the door to my room staring at me giving off waves of pride and excitement. He breaks the silence; "Call, we'll be ready to go as soon as you need us." I acknowledge his statement with a nod as I walk by him.

I'm just inside the front door zipping up my worn leather coat when I hear Charlotte approach. "You are going to keep her safe until you can bring her home to us. Don't you dare scare her." Char's anticipation and excitement are almost too much for me; I'm bouncing on the balls of my feet with the tips of my fingers on the door knob.

"That's the fucking plan." My response is muffled because I am already flying past Char and out the door.

I don't take any of the vehicles in the garage because my feet are faster. I head north, not straight north but a little north west. I avoid towns and cities and move quickly through the darkening light. I fly over fields and vast tracts of the remaining American wilderness that most people only see in Ansel Adams photographs. I try to keep my thoughts away from the reunion that is now looming on the horizon. So of course I think if the last time I saw her; an evening that changed the course of my life.

I had been excited to celebrate her birthday; I felt that everything that happened in Phoenix made her a member of this family. We were all just waiting for Edward to announce that she would be changed. Well everyone with the exception of Rose, but that had a lot more to do with Rose's personal issues then with Bella. I had felt a lot of tension and stress from Edward lately but I figured it stemmed from the difficulty he was having with the idea of Bella's change and how that would effect her soul. I never understood his concerns; we were all fine; well Rose was a bitch but I have a feeling that is completely unrelated to her being a vampire. So I gave him space and didn't pry, not that it would have been easy since his mind reading made him acutely aware of any time I monitored his emotions.

The party was underway, Bella giving off feelings of embarrassment and contentment thanks to my wife's over the top preparations. I'm basking in the positive emotions pouring off the people around me, even Rose's jealousy is laced with true happiness. _That girl was always a sucker for a good family gathering_. I'm just shooting Rose a small smile when I feel frustration and a small burst of pain from Bella and an all-consuming combination of rage hate and hunger from Edward.

The pressure of Edwards's emotions is so great I almost black out. The only thing keeping me present in the moment is the sweet smell of her blood, and the combined hunger of each vampire in the room. I growl and begin to move toward Edward, a warning against the hate and violence I can feel welling up in him. Then even Edward's emotions are drowned out by the fear consuming Bella. And he fucking smashes into her throwing her into a stack of glass plates. Everyone assumes I am unable to control myself in the presence of her blood; Emmet and Rose restrain me and drag me outside in the blink of an eye. How quickly they all forget my deliberate and controlled actions while killing James in a ballet studio bathed in her blood.

I tried to explain that Edward was unstable to Emmet and Rose but they didn't want to hear it. They were pouring out frustration and disappointment and it was crushing me. Once it was clear I wasn't going to rush back into the house and drain our guest they told me to go cool off. They said they would send Alice after me. I headed to the clearing we had once used for baseball and waited for my wife.

Alice's approach was announced by her emotions which were resigned and determined. I was officially scared. I loved Alice; she had tried to help me find peace even if I had only ended up numb. The love I had for Alice was never a passionate one; I owed her my sanity and she had needed my companionship and been willing to overlook my past. We fit together and together we both survived. I was scared because this woman was never resigned, she bubbled and sparked. I stopped breathing as I waited for her to speak.

Her voice was quiet and dull. "I didn't see that coming."

I pushed my response out hoping she would listen to me. "I think Edward wants to kill her."

She sounds a little more like Alice when she speaks. "oh, ya. I saw a lot of possibilities play out and none of them were pretty." I don't have time to be worried about Bella because Alice doesn't pause. "She's fine. Edward is with Carlisle and Emmet is taking her home. We're all going to leave in the next few days, try to get Edward as far away from her as possible."

I'm surprised and angry at her announcement. "How can we just leave her, she knows too much. And we haven't even discussed how we're going to take care of Victoria yet." You do not abandon your family.

Alice doesn't look at me; instead she fixes her eyes to some point in the distance. "You don't get a say any more. Edward says you had dark thoughts because of her blood and they pushed him over the edge. It's time you went your own way. You don't belong here."

It's pathetic but I don't defend myself, they have all doubted me for so long, instead I force her to say it. "What about us? I thought we were supposed to be forever." I'm surprised when my voice doesn't crack.

She shrugs her shoulders, fixes her golden gaze on me and finally looks like the woman I have shared the least violent years of my existence with. There is not a hint of sadness in her emotions; she is determined and even a little excited. "Oh! Jazz, I don't care if forever never comes, I'm holding out for that teenage feeling." And she winked. That pixie witch fucking winked at me.

And then she was gone. I haven't seen or talked to her in eight years. I haven't missed her. The last contact I had with any of the Cullen's was a phone call with Rose about ten months after the Birthday when I asked her to let me know if they ever heard from or about Bella. That night I sat in the clearing for almost an hour, letting the fury build within me. Then I ran and I killed. The monster reigned and I didn't surface for three days. I awoke to find my face held under the surface of Lake Ontario by Peter's straining arms while Char used her entire body to still my flailing legs.

They didn't ask any questions. They never asked me to tell my story. They never explained how they knew to find me. They just took me home, to Texas and the life they had built. I spent the first eight months just trying to forget and hating. I hated her. I wanted to feel something other than her fear. I wanted the god dammed numbness and the security that had gone with it. I didn't want to see her heart shaped face full of sad brown eyes everywhere I looked. Then one day I remembered... Victoria.

And for the first time since Alice walked out of my life I had a purpose. I chased. I stalked and I hunted. And she always managed to find escape, her talent was my curse. She lead and I followed. I attacked and she fled. This had been going on for weeks when I found what she had done in phoenix. The mess had been cleaned up, but it is impossible to remove the traces of something like that. I knew Bella had seen it. I would not be fooled like the police I knew this was no home invasion gone wrong. Victoria's trail was once again cold but my fury was ignited.

I called in reinforcements. We hunted her with a military precision that was all to familiar. Peter, Char and I cornered her in Utah. I was once again the God of War and that red haired cunt fucking suffered duly. I hope I am someday able to share the satisfaction I felt in those moments with Bella. And I pray to fucking god that it eases the guilt I have been carrying ever since I realized I failed her. We told her she was our family and we abandoned her. I was selfish, I blamed her for my loss, for their actions; she suffered.

When I was done with Victoria I tried to find her. I wanted to protect her, to repair these damages. I knew there was a good chance that Bella would blame all of this on me, but I had to try. I had thought of nothing but this girl in almost a year; hateful, vengeful and protective all of my thoughts and actions were motivated by Bella. And so I returned to Forks.

I stuck to Forks proper and La Push, I never went near the Cullen house. I wanted to find Bella and I figured she would want to avoid the memories in that house about as much as I did. The town looked practically unchanged, but I noticed the differences. A new family living in the Swan house, a fresh grave with a headstone praising the occupant for years spent selflessly protecting the community as Sheriff. Charlie's death was not Victoria's fault, it was a brain aneurism something that had been waiting to go off for years. I doubt that lessened the blow for Bella. In under a year she had lost everything.

She had buried her father and then she had disappeared. Different people had heard she was heading to different universities, but she was enrolled at none of them. Despite many promises to stay in touch no one had received a phone call, text or e-mail from Bella. I know this because of the countless hours I spent breaking into the bedrooms of the recently graduated Forks senior class, reading the entire contents of their phones and computers. _I'm shocked it didn't morally bankrupt me_. It seems that the Angry Brown Giant from the reservation was right when he told me I wouldn't find her because she didn't want to be found.

She had driven out of Forks in her shitty old truck; it had taken me six months but I eventually found that truck at a wrecking yard in Minot, North Dakota. And she never used the name Isabella Swan again; there was no paper trail, her credit cards, driver's license, social insurance number and passport have not been used since. She emptied her bank account and sold her father's house. She disappeared. I could never find her. I never stopped searching. We all searched. Peter told me he knew she belonged in our family, that I needed her. For once I wasn't annoyed by Peter's gift, because I didn't have a fucking clue how to explain any of my reactions. We never found her.

It took some time, but I adjusted to my new life. I controlled the monster, but I didn't deny his existence. Instead of feeling numb I learned to accept the balance of emotions that come with life and death. I killed, but I never slipped up and killed without intention it was easy to be around humans. I found comfort in the ritual of finding the worst people and removing their threat from the world. I had a family; we lived, we killed, and we searched_. And now Bella's in Canada. I'm so close, but Edward's closer._ I have been running flat out for over 5 hours, the light faded into pitch darkness almost 3 hours ago, the ground is steep and I am climbing higher and higher into the Rocky Mountains. I'm searching the distance for the glow of the town when I smell two fresh scents. Carlisle and Edward have been here, they left not even ten minutes ago. I wouldn't have thought it was possible but my pace quickens as I follow their trails into the town.


	4. Different Names For The Same Place

BPOV

I walk for almost twenty minutes along the side of the highway before I am able to calm down enough to retract my shield and make myself visible again. I start thumbing and the second vehicle that passes me, a rusted out Toyota pickup that may have once been maroon in colour, stops and I get a lift into the center of town. My driver has thin grey skin lined and creased like a well used map, I can only assume he has spent more time working underground then living up here in the open. He is silent and I am thankful he doesn't expect any small talk. He lets me out right across the street from where I caught the bus, and I can't believe that was only a few hours ago. Like so many of my memories it feels like another lifetime.

I have already replayed my short visit with the Cullen's a million times. I don't know if they will leave or not. I do know that Edward still very much wants to kill me. That will never change. I don't know what the rest of them think of me, if they have any idea about how my life has played out. I don't know if they have ever thought about me since my 18th birthday. I do know I surprised each and everyone of them by showing up unannounced.

My feet fight the battle to get my body home unaided by my brain which is busy revisiting the last time I celebrated my birthday. I remember feeling excited and annoyed but also a little resigned. This was Alice after all, not like I was going to get rid of the girl any time soon. It was too much, but I focused on the love these people had repeatedly shown me. I was not going to ruin this. I remember the way the stinging ripped across my finger tip, the frustration at not being able to complete a simple task; and then there was just his black eyes and the fear so strong I thought I was drowning. I don't remember getting hit, I remember they way my blood and the shards of glass made a beautiful pattern on the white carpet.

In that instant he was not my love or my destiny any more, I could feel the hate pouring out of him and there was no doubt who it is directed at. Then everyone was yelling like a good old fashion nightmare and Rosalie and Emmet were restraining the wrong vampire. And I can't tell them because I am frozen. Alice screams and collapses in a trance and whatever she is seeing is good because Edward starts licking his fucking lips in the most sadistic way. And then I must have passed out because I was lying on the couch and Esme was pacing the far side of the room and there was no trace of my birthday party, my blood, or the rest of my new family.

When Esme noticed I was awake she walked straight into the kitchen, she didn't look at me, she didn't say a word. A few minutes pass, the house was so quiet that my breath seemed horrendously loud. And then Emmet is at the foot of the couch. He offered his hand and helped me to my feet. I remember my surprise when he let me walk slowly from my seat through the house, down the front steps and across the yard to the passenger door of my truck. The only sounds the entire drive came from the engine of my truck. I thought Emmet looked sad and that seemed like a really bad sign. He opened my door and pressed my keys into the palm of my undamaged hand. I barley registered the feeling of his lips on my forehead before he was gone.

I don't remember walking up my front path, unlocking my door, talking to my father or walking up the stairs to my bedroom. But I must have done those things. I went to sleep in a daze, trying not to think the worst and hoping the light of day made everything better. I hurried to school in the morning, eager to see Alice and Edward, eager to reassure myself that everything was normal. Neither of them showed up and I stumbled through my day in a cold sweat. When I pulled my truck into the driveway after school Carlisle's black Mercedes was hugging the curb in front of my house. My heart stumbled and stuttered and I thought for sure I was going to puke.

I actually calmed down a little when I saw my beau standing on the path beside my house. I felt nothing for him, the spark and heat that used to attack me at the sight off him were gone. I could survive whatever was coming because my Edward was no more. I don't remember following him into the woods, most of the conversation is a blur. I remember the way he kept glancing at the black car, like he was listening to whomever was behind it's tinted windows. He told me to live a normal life, that it would be like they never existed. And hate started to take root inside me because we both knew that what he said could never be true.

He left to return to his seat in the black car so I dove into the woods and wandered aimlessly about. There was just greenery and humid air. My feet stumbling over branches and through puddles. The sound of my breath and the sting of my tears. And then, without warning, I was in a clearing with most of the teenagers from the nearby reservation a keg of beer and the first real bong I had ever seen. I didn't want to party. It seemed like far to cliched of a reaction to such a drastic heart break.

Before I could melt back into the dark forest Jacob Black saw me. And he wouldn't let go of my arm. He introduced me to people, got me a beer and my first toke. I followed along with each of his suggestions because he never asked me what happened. Everyone speculated about the Cullen's; news had spread quickly of the Doctor's quick and suspicious resignation. The theories ran the gamete from; malpractice, drug addiction, drug trafficking, incest, to fraud. But Jacob never asked me about it and the numbness felt so much better then the pain.

Jacob got me home in one piece that night. He made sure Charlie wasn't pissed at me by reassuring him I was a normal teenager blowing off steam. Even through my drunken haze I remember him ranting to my father that I was better off without the 'fucking pretty boy'. It was the start of a great relationship. He got me liquor and sold me pot for cheap, he always provided the perfect alibi for Charlie and never asked why I needed it; I brought all the Forks kids to bush parties so Jacob and the guys could sell weed at jacked up prices to the dudes and try to fuck the chicks. I would bring cans of cold Dr. Pepper, sour soothers and twinkies and he would roll armies of perfect little joints and we would sit on that itchy, puke green goodwill sofa watching South Park for hours on the snowy TV in his shitty excuse for a garage. Jake never wanted anything I couldn't give. It was a symbiotic relationship. It kept me afloat.

I drag my mind out of my memories long enough to register the fact that my house is once again empty. I slip through my kitchen into my living room without turning on the lights. Our house looks foreign in the cold grey daylight seeping through the cracks in the blinds. Sitting on the edge of my bed I remove my shoes and back pack and never look at my reflection in the mirror on the wall. I strip my clothes off as I walk to the bathroom, I flip the light on and the fluorescent bulb is harsh in the small room. I slip under the warm stream of the shower as I mentally dive back into my sad excuse for a senior year.

I had wanted to be sad about the love I lost but mostly I found myself angry about the family that turned me away in the end. Thats why I searched for the meadow, I wanted to remember why I had thought he was worth sacrificing everything for. I clearly remembered the love I had felt for him but I could not connect it to the boy who had left me in the woods. I thought going to that place would help me understand what had happened. I didn't know then how much I still had to learn about Edward Cullen.

It took 5 weeks of hiking most days after school for me to find the meadow. This particular Saturday I had started out just before noon, I had only been walking for about two hours when I found it. The air was cold, it had snowed a few times in the previous weeks but the white stuff hadn't stuck around. The barren branches, cold air and dead lifeless flowers slumping across the open space changed it, but I knew it was the meadow I had been searching for. Instantly I knew there were no answers there, my search had been pointless. I was just getting ready to haul my disappoint ass back to civilization when I saw him, leaning against a tree a cocky smirk playing on his lips.

It took me a few seconds to place him. I had only ever seen him for a few minutes, months before. I recognized the hunger in his cloudy, almost dirty looking red eyes. In that moment I knew that if Edward had ever really loved me he would have changed me, there would have been no excuse strong enough to leave me vulnerable. Laurent moved so quickly I couldn't register it and suddenly he was only a few feet in front of me. My heart stopped and I struggled and stumbled around looking for breath that I couldn't find. Laurent started calling my name and searching wildly for me even though I was stumbling around a few feet to his left. That caused me to pause, which allowed me to remember how to breath. I started slowly backing toward the tree line while Lauent's face took on a distinctly panicked expression.

I stood in the patchy shadows cast by the barren trees, still except for the uncontrollable shaking in my arms and legs, for over an hour while he searched for me. Eventually Laurent just walked away into the trees, mumbling about how he was never going to be able to explain this. It took another hour before I stopped shaking. Then I started slowly picking my way home through the forrest. I had no idea what had happened, but I was thankful down to the very core of being that I didn't end up getting drained in that meadow.

When I came in the front door I was still pretty shook up. I heard Charlie call out my name from the kitchen when the he heard the door close. I made sure my voice was steady before I responded, but Charlie called out again. "That you Bells?". He walked right past me on his way to open the door and look out onto the porch. I started screaming for Charlie, but he wasn't hearing me, he was shrugging off the noise of the door and returning to the sandwich he had been building in the kitchen. I wanted to throw things and panic but I really didn't want to scare Charlie. So instead I pulled the cell out of my jeans pocket and dialed Jake.

He answered after two rings. "Hey Shorty."

My voice cracked, but I managed to squeak out his name. "Jake?"

"You coming to First Beach tonight?" Relief flooded my body, my head swam, I had to sit on the stairs so I didn't collapse.

"No Jake. I'm gonna disappear for a few days. Can you talk to Charlie?" A hysterical little giggle slips past my lips, and I press my mouth into my palm.

I can hear the smile in Jake's voice, and the smile on my face is a reflex. "He's coming down to watch the game with Billy tonight, right? I will let him know you are occupied, some bull shit project with Emily."

Neither Jacob or myself had any idea why Charlie trusted him so implicitly. I mean my Dad was a good cop, he should have known Jake was all always, constantly up to something. And Jacob never hesitated to use that trust to my benefit. "I owe you."

"Don't I fucking know it Shorty. Call me when your back." And he was gone.

There wasn't a lot of room for fucked up baggage and emotions with Jake, there was good vibes and a partner in crime and at least I knew I still fucking existed. I wasn't a spirit in need of Jennifer Love Hewitt and some sort of ghost whispering.

I spent fifteen hours pacing my tiny bedroom before I was one hundred percent certain I was causing this. Eventually I could sense the edge of the shield and even see the slight shimmer when lights hit the barrier. I had always assumed I was defective in some way and that was why Edward couldn't read my mind I never imagined it could be something more. Twenty six hours after I crossed paths with Laurent I was beginning to truly control the shield and I was finally able to see my reflection in the mirror. I wasn't sure if I should be relieved or saddened that I wouldn't be missing school in the morning.

Jake knew I was dealing with something, and he never asked about it. That's what made him my Jake. I have never, until today, told another living being about my shield. Most of my non school time in the 2 weeks after my run in with Laurent was devoted to using my new skills. Once my life was no longer threatened it was hard for me to pull up the protection. I found it easiest if I sat quietly and tried to feel the edges of the barrier wrapped around my mind and then pushed them out. Once I had myself covered I was able to hold the shield for about an hour without too much effort. It wasn't until I had been using my new abilities for a few years that I realized I had more then just the ability to be seen and heard or to not be seen and heard. I discovered I could block all of the senses independently of each other and that if I was determined I could throw my shield around objects not connected to me.

The discovery of my shield provided me with an opportunity to do something I had been too scared to do since the Cullen's left. The saturday morning of the second weekend in December of my senior year found me wrapped tightly in my new shield walking through the deep snow to what had once been The Cullen's home. The things I found that day altered every memory I was still clinging to of Edward and the Cullens. It would not be the last time I was in that house. It would also not be the last time I left that house with knowledge that changed me.

I take a break from my memories long enough to dry the water from my skin and braid my wet hair. My feet pad over the cold floor into the kitchen and I peer into the fridge and cupboards wrapped in my towel. I settle on a coconut and chocolate granola bar and then head to my bedroom to get dressed. The digital clock on my bedside table is displaying 6:27, and I'm surprised it's so early. Dan won't be home for a few more hours, so I recline on top of the covers still wrapped in my towel. I rip open the wrapper on my make shift supper as I remember my first trip to the Cullen house after my disaster of a birthday party.

I remember expecting the house to look run down and dilapidated even though they had barley been gone two months. But it looked pristine, and untouched. I actually felt bad marring the perfect white snow with my clumsy foot prints. I must have stood at the base of the front steps for 15 minutes before I found the courage to climb them and push open the heavy front door. There was no heat on and it was a few degrees cooler inside the house, my breath hung in the air like a mist. Because of the cold I left my boots on and tried not to care about the state of the white carpet

I moved with precision up the flights of stairs and then down the hall to Edward's room. The shelves that had held his CD's and stereo where empty, there was no furniture or art on the walls. But in his closet I found a desktop computer complete with a fancy flat screen monitor and a small metal tin with a handful of thumb drives in it. I plugged everything in, never really expecting it to work, and was shocked when the screen lit up. I sat on the icy floor, hunched over the keyboard and monitor reading Edward's thoughts until the sun was starting to set.

There was nothing on the actual computer but each thumb drive was filled to capacity with text documents. Each document was filled with Edward's thoughts as he recorded them during his time living in this house. I skimmed through the files that had been created before my arrival in Forks; there weren't many and they mostly debated philosophical ideas on the human soul and morality. He had created no files on the dates between my arrival in Forks and the night he found me in Port Angles. But there were thousands of files dated between that night and my 18th Birthday. I opened the first file Edward had created after I was a part of his life. I only made it a few paragraphs before the bagel and coffee I had for breakfast were coating Edward's golden carpet.

He wrote about how the men in Port Angles had infuriated him, wanting to kill me in such a boring wasteful way. How is brain had been flooded with images and ideas of how I should die. He went into graphic details about how my smell in his car made him want to peel the skin from my shoulders. He mused about the erotic gratification he would find in my lifeless corpse. And then the next day he had picked me up and driven me to school.

Each file I opened was more deranged and graphic. Each word I read erased the love I had once felt. He had kept me like a prize hog, just waiting until I was ready for slaughter. It seemed that by channeling his thoughts into this writing he kept himself from acting, from alerting his family to what they would have seen as disturbing behavior. The files that were dated after Phoenix and the fight with James were especially terrifying. He was outraged that someone else almost had me. His scenarios started to include controlling me and holding me captive for long periods of time before killing me.

That day I opened and read maybe 150 documents. Eventually I would read each and every grotesque thought Edward recorded about me. I didn't enter any of the other rooms in the Cullen house that day, but I would be back and I would find every secret hidden in the place. I left that day clutching the metal box full of Edward's thoughts in my mittened hands. I felt betrayed. I thought I had found the truest of loves when at best I had been a pet or possession. No person would ever control me the way Edward Cullen had.

I felt the need to reclaim my life and I started that night. Never again would I let anyone tell me what was right or proper. I would set the pace and I would make my own choices. It was a cold night and there was no party, but I found Newton, Stanley, Cheney and Webber at the rink behind the Forks high school. They were sliding around on the ice in their sneakers sharing a 12 pack of PBR and two bottles of nyquil, I was tipsy in under twenty minutes. It took very little convincing to get Newton to take me to his suburban to warm up, I remember feeling flooded with adrenaline at the thought of doing something that would make Edward furious. Sadly the act of letting Mike Newton finger me was not as satisfying as thinking about how much it would piss Edward off. I was disappointed he couldn't make me cum and he was angry I wouldn't kiss him. I remember pulling myself out of the passenger seat, buttoning my jeans, slamming the door and walking home without even saying goodbye.

The last half of my senior year was fairly similar to that weekend. I searched through the Cullen home, lost myself in booze and drugs and amassed a small collection of awkward sexual experiences. I blew Tyler Crowley in the backseat of his parents tercel while we were both supposed to be in English one afternoon. I made out with Leah Clearwater at a bush party; we ended up in Jacob's garage, her eating me out while Embry stood in the dark corner and quietly touched himself. And finally in the spring I lost my virginity to Paul on first beach one night after a party broke up. And in each moment I relished the control I had.

The day after I slept with Paul I avoided the world by going to the Cullen house. My continued digging hadn't brought me much, I now had a box at the back of my closet with Edward's writing, some photographs and documents that proved the Cullens had been here, a notebook filled with Rosalie's handwriting detailing how she died and the revenge she took on the men who killed her. Alice and Jaspers room was the only I hadn't dug through yet, Alice had been my closet friend and the betrayal of her leaving still stung. The room was bare but the closet was bursting at the seems, underneath the piles of designer clothes all I found was a journal of Alice's that only had writing on the first few pages and a black wooden box slightly bigger then a shoe box.

The pages in the journal had been written after Phoenix but before my birthday. Unbeknownst to me Alice had stopped seeing me in her visions. This change had scared her, but she never told me, Edward or Carlisle. Her writing suggests she was unhappy but resigned that something bad was destined to happen to me. I couldn't even muster the energy to feel betrayed. I was so sick of the Cullens and the lies they had filled my life with. I almost left without opening the black box. But it was the last piece and I couldn't deny myself the satisfaction of seeing all that had been hidden from me.

I had to work the tight fitting lid for a minute before I was able to remove it. The contents of the box confused me, these things were clearly not Alice's. At the bottom there was a worn pair of black leather cowboy boots, there was a small moleskin notebook each line of each page filled with an unruly scrawl, a small dull hunting knife with a bone handle, and a worn Neil Young tee from his 1970 tour for After the Gold Rush. I guessed these items must have belonged to Jasper, and I realized I knew nothing about who he really was.

I picked up the notebook and settled my back against one of the bare walls. The day was young and I had no responsibilities, my months of digging in this house had taught me that vampires record things in amazing details and this would be interesting if nothing else. I delved into Jaspers memories, beginning with his human life and I didn't stop until I had read every word he had written. I couldn't connect what I was reading with the Jasper I had known, they were not the same being. In his words I saw something I could not over look. His strength and determination were unreal, he thought himself a monster when it was the fear of becoming that monster that held his humanity. I was froze by desire, with Jasper Whitlock I would never feel fear again.

I brought the black wooden box home and added it to the stash in my closet. That night I crawled into my twin bed wearing only the tee-shirt I had found and began reading his words again. The things he had done and seen where horrific, but he didn't lust for it as Edward had. Jasper wanted the freedom to control his own destiny and with that he found a way to control his monster. The weight of his words combined with the presence of his most precious possessions in the empty Cullen house lead me to believe he had been abandoned by his family the same as me.

My feelings for Jasper crept up on me. I read from his notebook every chance I got, I carried it in the pocket of my jeans. But it wasn't until events unfolded in Phoenix that I realized I actually wanted him to come for me. I knew he could save me, protect me, avenge me. I wanted to share myself with him because he understood what it meant to be used and abused. I wanted him to want me, I knew he would want me.

Two weeks after I discovered Jasper Whitlock I wrote the final exams of my high school career. My performance was mediocre, but grades were no longer a big concern in my life. When I finished my last exam Jake drove me to seattle so I could board a plane for Phoenix to visit my mother. I enjoyed my visit, I hadn't seen my mom since I had been in hospital in Phoenix after James attacked me. Renee told me Phil was going to accept a coaching job in Jacksonville Florida and we spent most of our time catching up as we sorted and boxed all of the items from the room I no longer occupied.

On my fourth evening in Phoenix I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom with Renee reminiscing over photos and birthday cards from my youth. Phil had just brought us each a glass of wine, mine red Renee's white, and informed us that pizza was en route. Renee and I were cracking up over a photo of me wearing a bright pink fanny pack and neon green leg warmers when the doorbell rang. I followed Renee and her laughter and headed down the stairs, she blocked my view of the scene at the front door.

I could hear a sucking, slopping sound, like rubber boots stuck in think mud and I couldn't figure out where the noise was coming from. Then all I could hear was my mothers shrieks as she collapsed on the stairs. I was wrapped in my shield before I could even comprehend what I was seeing. Victoria was bent over Phil's form, she was sliding her fingers through his abdomen like it was Jello, flinging blood and chunks on the floor, ceiling and walls. When she turned to stare at where I should have been her face was streaked with blood and there were strips of skin dangling from her wiry red hair.

She called out for me. "Bella, you won't want to miss this." He voice was high and would have been more suited to a small child. Her eyes scanned the room, skipping over the whimpering form of my mother like she didn't exist. I could even see her nose twitch as she tried to locate me by smell. After a few minutes she stops her search and focuses on my mother who is no passed out at the foot of the stairs. "I will never stop punishing you for what happened to James." Her voice is louder, she wants to make sure I am getting the message. "It doesn't matter if I can't catch you because I will be here for the rest of your life, destroying everything you love."

I'm frozen on the stairs. I can't revel myself. I can't protect Renee. I can't even look away. When the pizza arrives twenty minutes later I have pulled my shield in and am rocking back and forth on the stairs, silent tears streaming down my face. The delivery guy slips on the slick blood coating the floor and vomits on himself and what were once Phil's feet. I don't remember him calling the police, but suddenly the scene was tinted by red and blue lights. I don't remember leaving the house or anything that happened in the hours before Charlie was there hugging me and rubbing circles on my back.

I was lost to grief and guilt. All of this happened because I thought I had been loved by Edward Fucking Cullen. I was so grateful for my Fathers presence, but it also tortured me. I could not place him in danger by staying with him, my very presence was a threat. I read Jaspers words again and again. It became clear to me in the days after my mothers murder that Jasper Whitlock was my only possible salvation. His pale face and golden curls, which I could barley remember, became the motivation to all of my actions.

As soon as Charlie and I returned to Forks I began preparations to leave forever. As far as everyone knew, including Charlie, I would be heading off to university in a few weeks. In reality I lacked a definite destination or plan. I didn't doubt that when the time came Jasper would find me where ever I ended up. I decided to wait a few weeks after our return from Phoenix before leaving, Charlie had been really shook up by Renee's violent death and I didn't want to panic him. I was on edge as I waited, expecting to see Victoria's face around each corner.

One evening I was standing on a chair in the kitchen reaching to change a burnt out lightbulb. I hadn't noticed Charlie come home, so I wasn't expecting it when he spoke right behind me. "Oh Bells, I could get that." My reaction was unconscious, a result of being surprised combined with the fear I had been stewing in for weeks. I shielded myself. I was able to pull it back quickly as I watched my Father collapse to the floor, but it was too late.

The weeks following Charlie's death are a blur. Jacob's father Billy helped me organize the funeral and told me which real estate agent to contact. I priced the house much lower then the agent recommended and it sold almost immediately. Almost everything in the house went to good will. I packed only a small bag for myself containing everything I had gathered from the Cullen house, a few clothes, Charlie's badge, a few family photos and a few postcards from Renee. I kept nothing else from my life, all I needed was a way to disappear.

The only stop I made on my way out of Forks was to see Jacob. I thanked him for his friendship, I told him I was disappearing. He never tried to stop me, just gave me a hug and told me to be safe. I drove East, an outdated map crumpled in my pocket. I didn't care where I was going 'cause they're all different names for the same place. Alone.

I try to stop the memories by rolling over and pressing my face into the mattress. I don't want to remember the loneliness and fear of the years I spent lying about who I was and constantly looking over my shoulder. I don't want the guilt that comes when I think of my choice to stay with Dan. So instead I close my eyes on the darkened room and choose sleep.


	5. Like Fuel On Fire

**A/N: A huge thank you to everyone who read, reviewed, favourited and added this to alerts. I was so nervous to put this up and honestly thought no one would be interested. So if you keep reading and telling me what you think I will keep posting as quick as I can. **

**Since I didn't add any notes to the first four chapters I wanted to let you know that I have a pretty good idea of where this will go, and it is a dark dark place. I am aiming for around twenty chapters (but since I have never done this before we will see how that goes). Also, ****each chapter is a line from a song, and here are the list of the songs so far:**

**Chapter 1 - Band of Horses "No one is gonna love you"**

**Chapter 2 – BA Johnston "My Heart is Blinking Nintendo"**

**Chapter 3 – Neko Case "That Teenage Feeling"**

**Chapter 4 – Death Cab For Cutie "Different Names for the Same Place"**

**Chapter 5 - Blitzen Trapper "Furr"**

EPOV

The sun has set, and Carlisle is leaning on a fallen log verbally running through a list of places we could relocate to. I have already drained a handful of deer but the burning in my throat is as strong as ever. I can't stop thinking about her, she wasn't the same girl I had left in Forks. She was angry and crass, no longer pure and good. Physically she had changed too; her skin has been marred by ink and metal, she was a woman now with hips and breasts and curves that invaded every corner of my mind. And while she was no longer the same my reaction to her had not changed. I need to have her, to destroy her, to feel her submitting to me.

Carlisle's thoughts interrupt my thinking; Do not dwell on it. It will be the same as last time, we will move. This will pass. I whip around to face him. I let him take a good look at my black eyes before I respond.

"No, Carlisle. I don't believe this will be the same as last time."

Then I head for the small town at top speed, searching for her scent, knowing Carlisle would never be fast enough to stop me. I find her scent on a sidewalk that is still warm from the day's sun. I follow it quickly to a small green bungalow with soft light spilling from the edges of the curtained windows. I take a deep breath, relishing in the fact that it is almost over. This girl will never haunt my thoughts again.

BPOV

I'm woken by the feeling of warm rough hands on my thighs. I'm still lying on my stomach with my face pressed into the darkness of pillows but the towel I had wrapped around myself was lost during my nap leaving my body exposed. The sleep slowly retreats from my brain only to be replaced by fear and confusion over everything that has happened in the last two days. I take a deep breath and consciously force the negative thoughts and emotions down; I can't deal with them right now, I crave any type of respite. I focus on the calloused hands rubbing small circles on my thighs slowly migrating higher and higher. I can feel the weight and warmth of Dan's naked body pushing into my side as his fingers graze the bottom of my ass.

His breath is like fire on my shoulder when he whispers; "Have I ever told you how hard that fucking tramp stamp makes me?" His erection twitches against my hip and his hands move up to knead and palm my ass. I turn my head to the side, opening my eyes on the nearly dark bedroom.

My voice is quiet, my breathing already picking up in anticipation. "I vaguely recall you mentioning something about that."

I feel Dan shift his body until the stubbled skin of his chin is resting on the mound of my ass, his lips and tongue exploring the tattoo in question; a thick black sun. He drags his fingertips up my body until they are just grazing the sides of my breasts. The warmth of his mouth and fingers burns a path straight to the pressure building in my core. On a normal day we would drag this out. Dan getting closer and closer to my most sensitive parts without touching them. Me trying to keep my legs closed and my moans quiet until I can do nothing but offer myself to him. It's a dance we have perfected over the years, I know each step. But tonight I don't need the anticipation, I simply long for the release.

Dan's voice is teasing as he asks; "what were you wanting to do tonight?" He knows exactly what I want to do.

I roll over underneath him, so that his chin is resting on my pubic bone, before I answer, "I was hoping you would want to eat out."

His response is a groan; "Fuck, Bella."

He nips at my skin. I push my hips up off the mattress closer to his face. One of his hands is palming my left breast while the other is already running along my slit. His fingers slowly separate my folds and dip into my gathering wetness, dragging it up to rub over my clit. The friction causes me to moan. Dan removes his warm fingers which is not the reaction I was looking for. But before I can complain Dan has grabbed me by the knees and dragged my hips to the edge of the mattress. He is settling onto his knees on the floor between my thighs.

His fingers are lightly ghosting up my inner thighs. With a little pressure he spreads my thighs and his fingers separate me, exposing my swollen pink pussy. I gaze down my torso and lock eyes with him for just a second before he leans forward. His tongue drags from the bottom of my slit all the way up to circle my clit, which he sucks into his warm mouth. He nips at and sucks on the bundle of nerves, I feel the wetness dripping down my thighs and squirm against the need for more friction. I can't contain the loud groan that slips past my lips when he finally pushes two fingers into me, moving them in time with his tongue. My heels find the edge of the mattress and I use them to arch my hips higher, in response Dan's fingers and tongue move deeper and harder.

My stomach tightens as my orgasm builds. My thighs begin to shake and tense. Dan's movements become harder and faster in response. I cum so hard I can't stop my thighs from squeezing the head which is still buried in my lap. I hear Dan's voice, muffled by thighs. "You taste so fucking good. I could eat you all day."

He picks himself up off his knees and starts kissing his way up my body. His tongue and teeth find my right nipple while his fingers work my left. I reach down and pull his face to mine, our tongues swirl around each other. I taste myself and I'm wet all over again. I grind myself into his erection and I'm so wet from my cum and his spit that he slides right into me.

Dan moans as he buries himself in me once and then pulls out fully. When he speaks his eyes are dark and his voice rough. "Get on your knees." I don't hesitate.

I'm quickly on all fours with my knees spread, presenting myself. His fingers trail down my swollen lips and I squirm under his touch. I feel Dan's legs pushing into the back of my thighs, his erection resting in the crack of my ass. He pulls back and then I feel him filling me. The motion of his thrusts numbs my over worked mind as a second orgasm begins to wash over me. Suddenly his arm around my waist is the only thing holding me up and he crashes into me a few more times before collapsing under the onslaught of his own orgasm.

We lay in a pile of tangled limbs, happily wrapped in the fog of pleasure for a few minutes before Dan extracts himself to go wash up. As he leaves the room he kisses the back of my neck softly whispering his love for me. His words unleash the guilt I have been avoiding and I struggle to catch my breath. He has done nothing to deserve what is coming. My hand once again finds my belly. I have done nothing to deserve the love of such a good man.

I manage to dress myself in a fresh pair of yoga pants and the t-shirt I long ago pillaged from Jaspers closet. I'm standing in front of the mirror, not truly seeing myself, trying to determine just how far I can take this. Can I let him know he will be a father? Should I just leave now before things get more complicated? Should I have been searching for Jasper all this time? My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of Dan answering the door; I hadn't even heard a knock.

"Hey, can I help -" Dan's voice is cut off mid greeting. His words are interrupted by a growl and loud crash.

"Her scent is all over you." A familiar icy voice growls.

There is another crash and a whimper "You never should never have touched her."

For a minute I am drowning in fear. I can't breath and the room starts to spin. The smell of blood is making bile rise in my throat.

Then he starts screaming, "She is MINE!" And something inside of me snaps. I can feel the rage and fury I have been holding on to for years pouring out of me as I stride purposely into my living room and towards Edward's hunched form.

JPOV

I have no doubt I have never run this fast. I have never felt urgency like I feel it now. I overtake Carlisle as I hit the outskirts of the town; I feel his shock but do not slow my pace. I follow Edward's trail without hesitation, I know exactly where he is going. Just as I recognize the small unassuming house with light pouring out the open front door as my destination, I am hit by a wall of rage so potent it drops me instantly.

It takes me a few moments to reign in my ability enough that I am able to stand. I stumble to my feet and can still feel the rage pushing on me like a lead weight. I can hear Carlisle calling out for me as I ascend the steps and push into the small house. I am not prepared for the scene I find. Edward is suspended, spread eagle, about 3 feet above the hard wood floor. He is not moving or struggling. I am close enough that I can see the fear and desperation in his eyes, but I can't feel his emotions because all I can sense is rage. Bella is standing in a pool of blood, staring at a broken, battered and freshly deceased corpse. Her body is rigid, and she doesn't move when I enter the room. Relief floods my body as soon as I realize this rage is coming from Bella, and not directed at her.

I step toward Bella and her eyes snap up. She stares at me from behind her tangled, blood soaked hair. I have seen a lot of things in my life, but I have never seen a being look more like fury incarnate. I can see the rage and hatred boiling up behind her eyes; I can feel it rolling off of her in waves. One look from her and I stop in my tracks. She is unforgiving, unmovable; she is like fuel on fire. She is the most breath taking being I have ever laid eyes on.

The air is tense as she stares right through me. The she blinks and her eyes seem to focus and I know she is finally seeing me. Her mouth opens and closes, twice, but she says nothing. I am waiting, expecting to feel the full force of her hatred once she processes my presence. I am shocked when instead of more hatred and rage, which I so rightly deserve; I feel hope and awe slowly spreading out from her. She opens her mouth again, this time licking her lips. When she finally speaks her voice is soft and questioning.

"You came for me?"


	6. More Blood Than Sleep

**Maybe Smith "More Blood Than Sleep (After B.C.)**

JPOV

My eyes are locked with Bella's. My mind is quickly processing and cataloguing the information from the last few seconds. She's a shield; she's strong; she's alive; she's restraining Edward; she knows I came for her; she has been waiting for me. She has been waiting. She has been here, waiting, living. Someone is dead. A man is dead in her house and she has been waiting for me.

I scan the room quickly and can see she has clearly been living here for a while. The small, rectangular living room is painted a deep terracotta red with off white accents. The furniture is sparse, simple and worn. An L shaped couch covered in a rough beige fabric sits in front of a small white coffee table with a thoroughly scratched and dented top. There is a large painting hanging above the couch, just a stretched canvas with no frame. The image is rough, and the brush strokes visible in the bumpy paint. The shape of a body fills the centre of the canvas, painted in a deep purple colour. Large grey wings stretch from the body to the very edges of the canvas. The rest of the image is dark, with the exception of the lower right corner where the name Bella is scrawled in white. A short bookshelf in the far corner is overflows with stacks of records, new and old. On the top shelf sits an old record player with a glass lid, an LP is on the turn table, but the arm is up and it is not spinning; from where I am standing I cannot see the label. The small flat panel TV hanging on the wall across from the couch is far and away the newest item in the room.

The only other piece of furniture I can see is a small desk with a closed laptop, a man's wallet and a set of car keys. On the wall above the desk hangs a cork bulletin board overflowing with notes, Polaroids, movie and concert tickets, stickers, take out menus, newspaper clippings, post cards and snapshots. I recognize the dead man from the floor in one picture; asleep in a hammock, sunlight pouring across his face. There are three pictures of Bella. In one she is wearing a toque with rosy cheeks and her tongue stuck out as she leans on a snowboard. In one faded Polaroid she wears rolled up jeans while standing ankle deep in a clear blue lake surrounded by mountains, holding an impressive fish with a huge smile on her face. The last picture is of Bella standing in front of this very house. She is facing away from the camera looking at the house, beside her is a realtor's sign with a large "SOLD" sticker slapped across it. There is an unopened electrical bill addressed to Bella Newman pinned to the board. Tucked into the left corner of the bulletin board is a worn student ID from the University of Victoria, the picture is of Bella with hair that just grazes her shoulders, the name on the card reads Isabella Byrd.

Her blood coated hands twitch slightly, drawing my attention away from my surroundings and back to her, a plain silver band flashes on her left ring finger. Clumps of hair and skin are stuck to her arms, they obscure an abstract mass of colours on her left upper arm; a tattoo with no clear lines or definition. Blood is everywhere; Bella is covered in it, it's pooled on the floor, and every piece of the man's body that remains intact is soaked in it. Yet I feel no hunger or burn; there is no place for hunger when relief and fear are warring for my attention. Relief that she is alive, safe and whole. Relief because I have finally found her. Fear because, I know now, it will destroy me when she turns away from me in disgust. Fear over what might have happened to her tonight and every night since I last saw her; that she has been left waiting too long. Fear of that silver ring and the life she has in this house, and what they will mean for me.

Everything about her appearance has changed but I have to struggle to see past that band of silver. Her hair is still long and dark, but now it is especially thick and unruly with a large white blond streak that looks like it would tuck perfectly behind her right ear. That hair is currently obscuring her ears and her neck but I can pick up the glint of metal. There is a small silver stud with a clear crystal in her left nostril and a small shallow scar perfectly centred under her bottom lip, I wonder if she had worn it with a stud or a ring and why she removed it. She has gained weight; her thighs and hips are round and firm, her full breasts pushing tightly against the wet, blood soaked fabric of her threadbare tee shirt. A tee shirt I recognize; my tee shirt.

Bella is still staring at me, her mouth slightly open. I finally respond, still trying to absorb everything; "You have been waiting for me?"

As soon as the words leave my lips I feel the hope coming from her gain intensity. At the same moment Edward hits the floor with a muffled thump. I am crouched ready to attack and blocking Bella from him almost instantly. He can move but he is not free; Edward's feet are now on the ground his fists pounding against the invisible force holding him, his eyes darting back and forth between Bella and myself. Her ability to restrain Edward effectively is clearly linked to her unbelievable anger... anger which seems to be quickly fading.

I stand and turn so I am facing Bella; there is maybe a foot of space between us now. I want to reach out and wipe the blood from her face, but I don't know how she might react. Her gaze is still locked with mine; she has yet to even glance at Edward. She licks her lips again, and this time when she speaks her voice is barely audible.

"I knew you would come for me."

Before I can answer, Carlisle's voice fills the room. "Edward? What happened?"

He is standing just inside the doorway staring at Edward in his invisible prison. Then he notices the blood. He looks at the body on the floor and then to Bella. He starts towards her, concern etched in his features as he softly repeats, "Bella, what happened?"

She finally tears her eyes away from mine and grimaces in Carlisle's direction. He stops instantly. His hands press against the invisible barrier that has appeared before him. He calls her name again but her eyes have already returned to me and she does nothing more to acknowledge his presence. Carlisle shouts my name, it sounds like he is under water. I follow Bella's lead and do not respond. I'm not interested in Carlisle; I am interested in the woman standing in front of me. I can't imagine how she knows I have been searching for her. I can't believe she wanted me to find her. I need answers.

"Why do you have my shirt?"

Her fingers slide along the hem of the shirt in question. For a second I think she is going to take it off; and despite the grisly scene surrounding us, I find myself hoping she does. I imagine how her nipples will harden and her breasts will bounce as she pulls the wet fabric over her head. But she does not remove the shirt, just touches it looks down at it with confusion.

"You left it...I kept everything that you left."

I remember the night I bought that shirt with perfect clarity. I doubt I could ever forget Peter's laughter, the vibrations I felt in my chest as the music started, and the smell of sweat, sex and drugs on the humid air in that small Nashville theatre. I don't remember the last time I saw it. It was not a shirt Alice approved of, a souvenir from a trip down south with Peter. I always assumed she had just thrown it away. Why was it left? What else was left? The Cullen's are more than capable of leaving without a trace.

"You found it in Forks? You found it in the Cullen house?" Internally I am cursing myself for avoiding the house on my return to Forks.

Her voice is louder, more forceful, but the hope she had been feeling is beginning to waiver. "That's where I found it all. That's how I knew you would save me."

"Save you?"

"From her..."

"Victoria?"

She swallows thickly and nods her head, not seeming to trust her voice. I almost smile. I finally have something to offer this woman.

"Victoria is dead." Bella's confusion pushes on me. "I killed her. I ripped her apart almost six years ago."

She inhales quickly and closes her eyes, squeezing them tight. Her heart beats thirty two times before she speaks. "Jasper, is this real? Did Edward kill me?"

The sound of her voice saying my name is the best thing I have ever heard. I can't stop myself; I reach out and run my fingertips along her jaw. "Darling, you are not dead."

She shudders. She doesn't open her eyes; she bites her lip. Anxiety replaces her confusion; she swallows and leans into my fingers. "Will you take me with you?"

I want so badly to answer: always. I want to have no hesitation; to sweep her off her feet and run from here. But if she boils with rage at Edward how will she feel when she learns who I truly am. I pull away from her. The banging of Edward's fists gets noticeably louder.

"Bella..." She still hasn't opened her eyes. "I know you're scared after what happened in Phoenix." Self hate wells up within me more than ever as I notice a tear fall from the corner of her eye. She raises her fist to wipe it away, but only succeeds in mixing up the blood on her face with the blood from her hand. "But you don't know what I am capable of."

Her eyes snap open. And she quickly closes the distance between us. "I know exactly who you are." Her voice is steady; her breath is sweet. I step back again, I didn't expect her response.

She walks past me, shaking her head. The sound from Edward is once again muffled and Carlisle is still pacing at the edge of the room. She walks through an open doorway into a bedroom, I hear her open the closet.

'Bella," I'm struggling to find the right words. "You couldn't imagine the things I have done."

I feel her humour, it is almost bordering on hysteria. "Jasper,'"

I'm right in front of her when she comes out of the door. "Jesus, haven't you noticed the colour of my god damned eyes? Bella, if you spend the night with me you're going to see more blood than sleep."

She pushes a small brown notebook into my hands. Her voice is hard, unwavering. "I know exactly who you are and I have been waiting for you."

I'm frozen; this shouldn't be here. This, like all of the possessions I left at the Cullen house, shouldn't be anywhere. The little book smells heavily of Bella, she has kept it very close to her for a long time. I don't even have to flip it open to know she has read the very darkest of my thoughts and actions. I have filled more than a hundred notebooks identical to this one over the years. Carlisle had encouraged us all to write, he said those of us with such long lives collected too many memories; he believed we needed to let some go. But I only ever wrote the same memories. As long as I was a Cullen it didn't matter how many times I wrote it down the memories always crept back into my mind until the time with Maria was all I could see. With Peter and Charlotte I never have to pretend those dark years didn't happen, they accept that it is part of what I am; with Peter and Charlotte I don't feel like I am drowning in the guilt. How can Bella accept these things? Peter and Charlotte lived these things; Bella shouldn't even be able to comprehend them.

BPOV

It's been at least a minute and I am still standing toe to toe with him; he hasn't moved. My eyes have been on his face the whole time, watching for a reaction. The anticipation is intense, like all of the emotions I have felt in the last few minutes. I am practically vibrating. His head whips to the front door, making his dishevelled golden curls bounce and jump, but I don't hear whatever is drawing his attention. I know that means the rest of the Cullens will be arriving any second.

I take deep breath and feel the edges of my shield; I can feel a pressure in my head every time Edward or Carlisle touches it. I know I won't be able to hold all of the Cullens back for long. I don't know exactly how I managed to contain Edward; I remember hearing his voice, seeing what he had done, seeing red, and then Jasper was in front of me and I felt like I had just awoken from the deepest sleep. I keep my eyes locked on Jasper so I don't have to acknowledge the blood and destruction. I keep my eyes on Jasper, I cannot look at what Edward has done; I cannot succumb to my guilt and grief, not yet, not here.

I hear Emmet's booming voice, "What the fuck!"

I feel the pressure of more people pushing on my shield; I push back. I don't need to hear them; I don't care what they have to say. We don't have much time. So I ask again, "Will you take me with you?"

Jasper looks down at the book in his hands, then toward the door, before his gaze finally locks with mine. I'm not sure what he is looking for. For the first time I feel my conviction slipping. Then he nods his head curtly. His voice is quiet, disgusted as he adds "You know what you're getting yourself into."

The relief I feel is palpable. He won't leave me; I knew he couldn't leave me. I finally let my eyes wander over the destruction of what had been my living room. I stare at a lifeless face that had once loved me. I cannot leave Dan like this; he deserves so much more. It is the very smallest reparation I can make.

Jasper's eyes are on my face, watching me absorb the scene. Neither of us acknowledging the five Cullens trying to push into my house; trying to reach Edward. I turn around and head back in to my bedroom closet. I have to stand on my tip toes to grab the black wooden box from the top shelf. I stuff it into my back pack. It holds all of the important items I had with me when I left Forks. It has been the better part of a decade and these are still the most important possessions I own. I know I am the worst kind of evil; I took everything he offered without hesitation or compensation.

I slide my back pack over one shoulder and grab the patch work quilt off our bed. It's large and heavy, the softest fabric in varying shades of blue; familiar and comforting. Jasper is in the doorway silently watching my every move. He backs into the living room as I approach. I spread the quilt over the couch, smoothing the wrinkles with my bloody palms. I'm trying so hard not think all of the thoughts trying to invade my conscious and still maintain my shield that my head is pulsing with the pressure. I take a deep breath and turn to Jasper.

"Will you help me? I won't be able to lift him on my own."

Before I can blink Jasper has set Dan's mangled form gently on top of the quilt I prepared. I fold the fabric up over his feet and legs, I overlap it and tuck it tightly at his waist. My hands are shaking as I reach for his left hand; everything is slick. I find the metal band, it slides off more easily then I was expecting. I set it on the quilt and wipe my hand on the thighs. I reach up under my hair and unclasp the thin chain that hangs down under my tee shirt, setting it next to Dan's ring. My ring is the hardest to remove, it sticks to my swollen finger and I have to twist and pull before it slowly drags over my bloody knuckle. I slide both of the rings onto the chain, re-clasp it behind my neck and tuck it back under my shirt. I wrap the quilt around his chest; I fold it up over his face. My brain is memorizing every gory detail, storing them next to the images of Renee and Charlie in death.

As I grab Dan's keys off the desk my eyes catch his picture on the bulletin board. I try to only touch the corners as I unpin it from the board, I don't want to cover it with blood. I tuck it into the front pocket of my bag. I look at the form on the couch; the blood is already starting to soak through the blue fabric. My plan forms in an instant; I know what he would want.

"There is a truck, straight out the back door; can you put him in the bed?" Jaspers eyes are on mine, he nods. He is gone and back before I can move my eyes off the brown mark left on the couch. His voice is full of authority when he speaks.

"I need to talk to them." His head motions to the Cullens I have been ignoring.

"I need to go the river. Will you come find me when you're done?" I know his answer, even before he nods. The feeling of Jaspers fingertips on my jaw is electrical; the keys jingle as my body shudders without my permission. My eyes flick to Edward; I try to swallow, my mouth is so dry.

I turn and stumble through the kitchen to the back door. I let go of the barrier holding the Cullen's from my house, and concentrate all of my mental energies on holding Edward even as I move myself physically further away.


	7. Use The Gasoline

**Chad VanGaalen "Willow Tree"**

BPOV

The cold night air burns my lungs as I push through the screen door and barely avoid falling down the back steps. My bare feet hurry over the uneven concrete of the patio and I slip through the open back gate. The moon is full and reflecting brightly off of the black truck. My hands are shaking, I can't get the key into the lock; I leave a gash in the paint but finally get the door open. I toss my back pack across the bench seat then grab the handles and pull myself into the tall cab. I try to rub off the dark marks my hands are leaving on the light grey interior before my eyes catch the lumpy form in the truck box and I remember that it doesn't matter.

I turn the key and the engine roars to life, decimating the eerie silence. I feel the pulsing in my head growing stronger as I pull away from the house. The pressure pushes and follows me as I turn the truck down quiet darkened streets; it's so great that I can barely keep my eyes open as I cross the empty highway. I am just pulling into the river park when the pressure becomes unbearable, the truck rolling forward slowly while my hands clutch at my temples and then it's suddenly gone. I don't let myself enjoy the respite; Edward is free.

I pull through the parking lot, backing the truck onto the grass. I move slowly over the soft bumpy ground, getting as close as I can to the small building by the water's edge. I leave the door open and the truck running, taking a small black key from the ashtray in the dashboard. I pull down the tailgate and climb up into the truck box; I don't touch my cargo as I move to the large industrial tool box at the front of the box. I have no trouble with the little black key and find the bolt cutters where I expect them to be, right on top. I move as quickly as I can to the side of the low building; there are about a dozen canoes chained together in the wet dirt. The bolt cutters easily slice through the chain; I don't return them to the truck, I know they will never be needed again. I grab the rough edge of the closest canoe and pull it until half of it is floating in the shallow water, half of it resting on the cold mud.

My breath is short and labored as I reach into the truck box and grab hold of the familiar fabric. I pull with all of my strength, bracing one of my feet against the metal of the bumper. Dan's quilt wrapped corpse hits the ground with a sickening thud. I grab the cloth and slowly drag the lifeless form towards the water. It takes a lot of maneuvering but I manage to get Dan into the canoe without totally unwrapping him. The icy water soaks into my pant legs, my bare feet sinking into the mud.

I stumble back to the truck. I reach once again into the box of the truck and retrieve a small red jerry can of gasonline. My hands are so cold that I have trouble unscrewing the cap at first. I set the container on the ground and climb into the truck cab. I rummage through the glove box searching for a pack of matches, but come up empty handed. I slide the bench seat forward and immediately spot the bright orange shaft of an emergency road flare.

That will do just fine.

I plug the cord from the truck stereo into the headphone jack of my iPod, which was still shoved into the side pocket of my backpack from my trip to the Cullen's. I scroll through the entire list of artists twice before I find what I am looking for. I have to close my eyes and take a deep breath before my hands are steady enough to hit play; I twist the volume knob on the truck as loud as it will go before climbing down.

The coarse, bittersweet sound of guitar is soothing; it pushes me to complete my task. My hands are shaking uncontrollably as I pour out every drop of the gasoline... but it isn't until I strike the flare that I feel the tears finally spill down my face.

RPOV

We are all packed. The house devoid of all signs that anyone had ever lived here. We have been finished for hours just waiting for what would happen next; still and quiet as only vampires can be. Except for Alice, she paced the length of the empty living room her eyes glazing over as she passed from one vision to the next. Her annoyance and impatience was becoming clear through her constant muttering about how nothing was solid and she couldn't see. I was not troubled by Alice's lack of sight; I no longer put much stock in Alice's visions.

All of our eyes are on Esme as she snaps her phone open.

"He is going to find Bella. I couldn't stop him. This is going to be bad." The panic lacing Carlisle's voice is evident even from where I am sitting.

The empty living room shakes and reverberates with Emmet's deep growl. I know this is the last straw for my mate; he will no longer be a passive observer of this growing clusterfuck. Emmet had been adamant that leaving Bella was a mistake. I had thought involving the girl with our family was stupid but even I could see that leaving her alone after exposing her to this world was nothing short of cruel. We had allowed ourselves to be overruled and had gone against our better instincts when Alice and Edward insisted leaving was the only way they could guarantee Bella's safety. While Carlisle is our patriarch and leader, we Cullens have a history of relying on Edward and Alice's gifts for direction.

Esme shuts the phone without saying a word and the four of us move silently into the moonlight. Emmet reaches the small house first. He clears the font steps in one stride, pushing through the open door without hesitation. Alice skids to a stop, when she turns to me her eyes are wild, her nostrils flaring as she inhales deeply.

"How? I didn't see him." Her voice is quiet; I have never seen Alice look so unsure of herself.

In that moment I feel sorry for my gifted sister. She has never talked about her choice to dismiss Jasper from her life but I know she loved him for many many years. Alice depends heavily on her sight and she is not used to being surprised; this reunion will not be easy for her. I watch Esme squeeze her hand in sympathy before we are all drawn into the small house by Emmet's hollered expletives.

Just inside the house I find Carlisle and Emmet stopped by some invisible barrier which Bella seems to be producing. I can see Edward covered in blood and pounding his fists furiously against another invisible barrier further into the house, I can see that he is screaming, but can't hear him. I feel Alice and Esme push into the small space behind me; Esme gasps and covers her mouth when she sees the bloodbath before us.

Most of the room including Bella is soaked in blood and there is a body sprawled across the floor. In fact Jasper might be the only thing not splattered however I can only smell a faint trace of blood, my throat barely even burns. Bella is standing directly in front of Jasper, her eyes are locked on his face. His stare is fixed on the five of us crowded into the door way. Neither of them moves and then after a few seconds she speaks.

I have to strain to hear their muffled words through the barrier. The feeling that we are intruding on an intensely intimate moment is impossible to escape. It does not stop the four vampires surrounding me from staring intently as Bella prepares the man from the floor with Jasper's help. When Jasper runs his fingers along Bella's jaw line I feel Alice vibrate behind me with a deep growl; I have to wonder exactly what it is she hasn't told us.

Jasper's eyes follow Bella's every shaky step. The pounding of Edward's fists becomes more and more frantic as she retreats from view. She is gone for more than a minute before Jasper finally turns around and fixes his hard gaze on the five of us. He looks every bit the terrifying Major we have only heard talked about. The barrier holding us back suddenly dissolves and I am hit in the face with the sweet smell of blood. Each of us tenses against the burn flaring in our throats; I have to swallow the venom gathering in my mouth.

Edward remains firmly imprisoned and I have to assume that if Bella is holding him then she is also what has been blocking Alice. For a moment the only movement is the muffled pounding of Edward's firsts, then Carlisle steps forward, bridging the gap between us and Jasper, reaching out his hand. Jasper doesn't even glance in his direction; he stares directly at Alice while spinning the small notebook between his fingers. His voice isn't loud when he speaks, it is cold and unforgiving.

"What did you do?"

Alice looks at her hands, the floor, Esme, the blood... anywhere but at Jasper.

"You know I can feel your guilt," He continues, his words emphasized by a low growl.

"Alice hasn't done anything son. What happened here was Edward." Carlisle's voice is soft as he places a hand on Jasper's shoulder.

I notice Alice slink backwards against the wall as Jasper shrugs off Carlisle's hand. He advances until he is towering over her. I am locked in place by intense fear that I know Jasper is projecting. Alice is shaking, her body racked by tearless sobs as she stares at her fingertips.

"What did you do?" He repeats heatedly, his venom spraying across Alice's face.

"It's all wrong. None of this was supposed to happen, she was supposed to disappear..." Her voice cracks and wavers. She tucks her chin into her chest, as though she can avoid his wrath.

Jasper crouches down, grabbing her by the shoulders and shouting right in her face, "What. Did. You. Do?"

"She needed to see what we really are; what we are capable of. It was supposed to make her give up and leave us alone. I saw... she was gone... out of the picture"

She looked up, pleading.

"You wanted her to find this?" He says as he pushes the small notebook into her chest.

"Yes."

"You wanted Edward to hurt her on her Birthday?"

"It was the only way."

"Alice, what the fuck did you do? Her entire family is dead!" He is in her face again, pushing her into the wall, snarling.

I can't move, but if I could I don't know if I would try to stop Jasper or throttle Alice.

"I just wanted everything to go back to normal... you do not belong with her," she sobbs, grabbing at his hands. Her little are feet kicking and pushing against him.

"Belong with her? I am here with her because you all abandoned her." He drops her and steps back, panting and eyeing us all. The cloud of fear lifts, but it in no way lightens the atmosphere.

"I never saw this... she should have disappeared," says Alice as her back slides down the wall until she is sitting on the floor.

Carlisle speaks up, his voice hard and demanding, "Alice, exactly what did you see?"

Alice answers, defeated, "Jasper and Bella, together."

'When, Alice?"

"I saw them once before we even came to you Carlisle, but it was uncertain, just a weak possibility, Jasper with some human girl. It didn't worry me. Then I started to see her every few years, sometimes she was human sometimes a vampire but she was always with him. I hadn't had one of those visions in almost two years until the day she walked into Forks High School, but I knew exactly who she was."

As if she can't stop herself, Alice keeps speaking. "She should be dead. I have seen her die. James should have killed her. Edward should have killed her." She is ranting, hysterical, only stopping when Esme's open palm hits her face, snapping her head back into the wall.

I look to Emmet, trying to decipher what he makes of all this information. Without warning he is flying across the room locked in Edward's arms. There is a gnashing growling rumble and they crash through the wall into Bella's kitchen. They roll and flip; it's impossible to see where each vampire starts or ends. I am so intent on my mate and his fight that I barely notice Jasper grab something off of the wall above Bella's computer and then move silently out the front door. If anyone else sees, they do not attempt to stop him. In the rubble Emmet crouches over Edward who is frantic, almost frothing. His long fingers held up over a gash on his pale face, leaking venom.

Emmet's voice booms, beyond loud, bouncing off the ruined appliances, "What gives you the right? She fucking trusted us."

His anger from the last eight years pours out through his fists as they rain down on Edward's back and head. Somehow, Edward manages to scream back at him.

"I tried to leave. I wanted her so bad... and I stopped myself again and again. It's Alice... Alice did this."

Emmet becomes still. His eyes search the ruined house until he sees her, standing just behind Carlisle looking small, lost and vacant. The few seconds his eyes are on Alice are all Edward needs. He is out the door, after her, but my mate is right behind him. My mate is very strong... and very fast.

JPOV

I am heading toward the sound and smell of the water. Toward the shallow river that borders the northern edge of this small town. After a minute I hear the truck running idle and Bella moving around and refine my direction. I am silently cursing myself for letting her go off alone, putting her in further danger... but I knew this wasn't something I could deny her if we have hope for any sort of a future together. I quickly close the distance between us when I hear the music. I can see her knee deep in the river, her blood stained hands by her sides, illuminated by the flickering glow of the make shift pyre slowly moving away from her.

Sleep all day

Just waiting for the sun to set

I hang my clothes

Up on the line

When I die

I'll hang my head beside the willow tree

When I'm dead

Is when I'll be free

And you can take my body

Put it in a boat

Light it on fire

You can use the kerosene

Take my body

Put it in a boat

Light it on fire

Send it out to sea

Sleep all day

Just waiting for the sun to set

I hang my clothes

Up on the line

When I die

I hang my head beside the willow tree

When I'm dead

Is when I'll be free

So you can take my body

Put it in a boat

Light it on fire

Use the gasoline

Take my body

Put it in a boat

Light it on fire

Send it out to sea

I see her shoulders shaking and smell the tears on her face, but I don't go to her. I let her have this moment; I allow her grief to wash over me. When the music stops and all I can hear is her labored breathing and the chattering of her teeth I wade into the river. I slide the worn leather from my shoulders and wrap it around her shivering body. I know they are coming, yet take a moment to breathe deeply and relish the feeling as she leans in, resting her weight on my chest.

"They will be here soon."

The sound of trees breaking in the distance illustrates my point.

She nods silently. Her eyes are still watching the flaming mass float slowly out of view. I encircle her waist with my arms and carry her out of the shallow water; she does not resist. I return her feet to the ground on the muddy bank, but she makes no attempt to hold herself upright. There is a crash, louder than any thunder, and the screeching of metal ripping through the trees just to the south of us. She turns her face into my chest, clenching her eyes shut.

I want more than anything to attack, to make them all regret ever hurting her, but I know now is not the time; I cannot let her go again tonight. So instead I move to the truck, her body still pressed tight to my chest. I slide my arms through the straps of her backpack; I retrieve her iPod and slip it into the front pocket of my jeans. Edward is just pushing through the tree line when he is suddenly stopped and thrown backwards, hitting the ground with a hollow thump. I smell Bella's blood at the exact same moment. I feel it pouring from her nose down my chest, all over my shirt. The smell is amazing. My thirst is in check, but I still take a second to envision grabbing her, one hand on her hair and one on her chin, tilting her face back and my tongue licking up every drop.

She is leaning all of her weight into me her hands fisted in her hair; when she speaks her words are laced with pain and pushed through clenched teeth.

"I'm ready to leave now."

I have been trained to stand and fight, but I do not hesitate; I run. I feel no shame at taking whatever small head start her shield will provide us. Her safety and wellbeing are the only coherent thoughts in my head. I scoop her into my arms before clearing the river in one stride. As soon as we start moving she envelops us in her shield; I recognize the submerged feeling from before. It`s as though the sights, sounds, and smells outside of this bubble are too weak to fully reach us.

Her warmth is amazing. Her thighs pushing against my arms, my hand wrapped around her waist, her breath on my neck, and the scent of her blood slowly soaking into me. I run for twenty minutes over the rocky terrain, with no sign of anyone following. When I feel the barrier around us dissolve I know she has finally lost consciousness. With all her barriers down there are many new smells, sights and sounds to process and evaluate. But I can only focus on one faint sound, and it stills my feet instantly.

Two heartbeats.


	8. Recognize Them For What They Really Are

**A/N: I'm so sorry this update took so long to get out. A huge thank you to all of the people who reviewed that last chapter. I'm really sorry wasn't able to get back to all of to you. **

**The Mountain Goats "Lion's Teeth"**

BPOV

Everything is warmth and brightness; as if my body has been replaced with a hot glowing light. My brain is hazy and fuzzy. I know there are important things I should be thinking about but at this point I don't have any motivation to remember what they are.

Slowly a dull pain invades my warm cocoon. I try to pinpoint the source of this discomfort and the glow recedes, leaving behind my sore aching limbs. There is a sharp pain in my neck, I can feel it bent completely to the left, my throbbing head resting against something cool and hard. My spine is also bent, curling my body around the soothing cold.

I can feel the sunlight through my eyelids, but the pain in my skull prevents me from even attempting to open them. I can barely breath through my nose, yet I can smell fresh cut grass, tobacco, and laundry drying in the sun. And I smell Jasper. I curl up tighter as my haze begins to lift. I really don't want to open my eyes. I don't want to think about what has happened, or what might happen next. Instead I concentrate on assessing the sate of my body, and the fact that if I try to move I might, in fact, pee my pants.

I try to wiggle my numb toes. They tingle painfully, and my head throbs in response. I take a deep breath and the pressure in my bladder grows. I slowly force my eyes open. I'm in a vehicle. I can see the bottom of a steering wheel, a pair of jean clad legs and part of the dashboard. I can see the fuzzy glow from the digital display but I would have to turn my head to clearly read the time. I don't recognize this interior, it's not Dan's truck. My body is bent over the large plastic and leather center console wrapped around what I can only assume is Jaspers arm. I try to wiggle the fingers on my left hand. I can feel Jaspers cold hard fingers moving and releasing in response to mine as pins and needles flood my arm.

With my face still pressed into Jaspers arm, I lick my dry lips and my tongue flicks along his skin. The taste is sweet with a hint of salt. It adds an ache to the pressure in my groin and I can't stop a quiet moan from slipping through my lips against his coolness. A deep throaty chuckle pushes the rest of the fuzz from my brain and my body freezes. Holy fuck, he's right there. He knows. I clamp my shield tightly around myself before I push upright, swinging my feet down off the seat. My head swims and there is no more light or warmth, just grief, embarrassment, and self hatred fighting to overtake me. I can't bring myself to look at his face, so I watch his knuckles tighten on the steering wheel.

"Cut that shit out," he quips, his voice hard and rough.

I bring my eyes to his face and he is staring straight ahead. One hand grasping the steering wheel, the other where I dropped it on the center console.

"I..." He trails off, his voice now softer. His eyes flick to mine for just a second. "Darling, don't you dare shut me out."

I am surprised how easy and natural it feels to drop my shield at his command. I am on the edge of my seat, turned towards Jasper, staring. I want to ask him if he's angry, but I don't. I don't know how I would want him to answer. Half of me is searching for a fairy tale, half me is desperate for some form of punishment or pain.

"I would have told you..." My throat is dry and my voice crackles as I try to offer some form of explanation.

Jasper stretches his arm out and when his cool skin slides along the side of my neck I am once again overwhelmed with an onslaught of warmth and light. His bright red eyes are shinning, and the smile pulling at the corners of his lips makes my breath catch in my throat. I am so relieved to find no anger or disappointment in his face that I am able to push the negative feelings into the dark corners of my mind.

I lean back in my seat and take in the landscape blurring past the windows. The ground is rocky and spotted with scraggly short brush; there are no buildings, just telephone poles lining the narrow highway as we move out of the mountains and away from the sun setting in the sky. We sit in silence for a few minutes. I think I am more surprised than him when my voice breaks the silence.

"If we don't stop I'm going to pee my pants."

He chuckles again. This time I am awake enough to appreciate how warm and content the sound is. Jasper is so close, and I have been waiting so long for this. The feeling is overwhelming, like I am going to burst. I'm shifting in my seat, clenching my pelvic muscles, glancing between the road and Jasper, an idiotic smile creeping across my face as I wonder how far the nearest gas station is.

I don't have to wonder for long. The truck turns down a small gravel road, stopping just past some sad looking caragana bushes.

"I have to go outside?"

I hate pissing outside.

Jasper leans over, his fingers graze my stomach right above my navel pinching the fabric and pulling it out for me to look at. My shirt is soaked with blood; my hands are red, crusty and stained. I had almost forgot.

"I think it would be best if we stayed out of the public eye until we get cleaned up. Besides, do you really think you could hold it till we find a bathroom?" His voice is soft, almost joking; his eyes are serious, watching for my reaction.

My stomach is in a huge knot. I want to fist my disgusting dirty fingers in his hair and pull him to me. I want to punch myself in the face. I want to lose myself in his touch. My palms are sweating. I can't stop staring at his mouth. I'm going to throw up. I fumble around and find the handle behind me practically falling out of the truck when I push the door open.

The feeling of the cool air across my face is not enough. I'm retching and heaving as soon as I hit the ground. I see Jaspers shadow and feel his fingers sweeping my tangled hair behind my neck. I cough and spit, taking deep, shuddering breaths.

"I can't believe I didn't piss myself," I say, breaking the silence as I try to regain composure. I push back so I am sitting on my heels.

"That makes two of us," He replies, the corners of his mouth pulling up into a smirk.

I stretch my arm out and Jasper reaches to me, pulling me to my feet.

I look around; there isn't much to see. Just the unfamiliar truck, navy in colour with a short box and regular sized cab, and some scraggly caragana trees that don't totally block the highway from view. This isn't going to be pretty. I'm sure my face is scarlet when I ask Jasper to wait in the truck, he just grins and climbs back into the cab. I fucking hate going outside, I always manage to pee on myself. I head to the back of the truck and take my pants off hanging them over the tailgate. I'm not wearing panties, socks, or shoes; everything happened so quickly I never got a chance to put any on. I barely stop myself from looking back at the cab, and my stomach knots all over again when I wonder if he is watching. The strong hot smell of urine mixes with the dusty air; my relief is palpable.

Once I'm fully clothed and back in the truck and we are moving down the highway again I ask Jasper where we are.

"About an hour outside of Calgary," he says, "I was thinking we should get some supplies so we can clean up."

"Whose truck is this?" I silently wonder if he stole it, although I'm not sure I really care. The emotions swirling around inside of me seem to be a little less intense when we're talking.

Jasper tells me the truck was in storage, and that Peter has vehicles stashed all over the place. He adds as if reading my mind that stealing a car is the quickest way to attract unwanted attention. I don't want to know whose attention we are avoiding. I don't care if we are escaping or attacking. I am not ready to discuss a plan. So instead I ask about Charlotte and Peter. As Jasper fills the silence with stories and anecdotes and tall tales I find myself myself missing two people I have never even met.

Jasper rambles on, his voice animated when we pull into a sprawling Wal-Mart parking lot. He pulls into a spot near the back of the lot, away from other cars, and turns in his seat so to face me.

"Craving anything in particular, Darling?" his soft voice sends panic searing through me as I realize he means to leave me alone.

"But.. you can't... your shirt..." My voice cracks as my shaking finger points to the dried red brown mess my bleeding nose had left on his white shirt.

Jasper glances down, then grabs the hem of his stained shirt and pulls it over his head, slowly revealing his lean stomach and muscular chest. I forget my panic; all of my energy is concentrated on not looking at his scarred skin. He leans over towards me, despite my best protests my heart starts sputtering madly in my chest. His hand ghosts above the top of my thigh, down to my knee where he reaches forward and opens the glove box causing my legs to spread, making room for the drawer. I stare straight ahead as he leans even closer and reaches in pulling out a black long sleeved tee. His intense stare, which is focused on my face is only broken when he pulls the new clean shirt over his head.

"I won't be long."

The door is closed, he is gone and I have to rest my head between my knees to catch my breath.

The clock in the dash tells me Jasper has only been gone 18, minutes but it feels like an eternity. I'm paranoid, watching every person and car that comes close. I attempt to fiddle with radio and realize I don't even have the keys. I can't even imagine what I will do if Jasper doesn't come back. And then I see him crossing the parking lot. When he gets to the car he puts three plastic bags on the floor by my feet and hands me a bottle of water.

We follow the highway around the outskirts of Calgary and pull into a motel near the city limits. The building is two stories with mismatched red and pink siding. Jasper goes into the office, and I don't panic this time because I can see him through the large windows the whole time he is talking to the clerk. Our room is on the lower level, almost directly across the U-shaped building from the office.

The room is small with one large bed and stained threadbare carpet. I set the three shopping bags on the bed. Jasper puts my backpack, which I hadn't seen in the truck, on a small chair beside the door. I empty the bags onto the bed as he empties his pockets onto the desk. There are some apples, bananas, a loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter, more bottles of water, a bottle of prenatal vitamins, shampoo and conditioner, toothbrush and toothpaste, a hairbrush and elastics, 3 pairs of black yoga pants, a pack of white Hanes mens undershirts, 3 pairs of plain black cotton panties, a grey sports bra, a black zip up hoodie, and a pair of cheaply made Converse knock-offs.

I gather up the toiletries from the bed and move them to the counter in the bathroom. I don't look in the mirror. When Jasper walks in I realize I have been leaning against the counter staring at the bottle of shampoo in my hands for what may have been a very long time. He stands in front of me, takes the white plastic bottle out of my hands, and sets it on the side of the bathtub. I'm looking at my feet, they are filthy and my blue polish has mostly chipped off.

"I don't know where to start," I mumble. I want to collapse. In the still, quiet motel room it is near impossible for me to avoid the guilt and grief that I feel building inside.

"Do you want me to help?" He reaches out and tilts my head up so I am looking at his eyes. I nod. I don't know how I could possibly do this without him.

I feel a dose of calm as Jasper reaches down and turns the faucet so water is pouring into the tub. He asks me to test the water and make sure its not too warm. He pulls two towels down off the shelf and sets them on the closed toilet and moves the conditioner to the edge of the tub with the shampoo. Once the water is warm enough I pull the lever so it pours from the shower head. When I look up Jasper has his shirt and boots off and the top button on his jeans is open. I try to peel my shirt off but my arms are shaking so much that I end up more or less tangled in it. I feel Jasper's cold hands take hold of the fabric and pull it over my head and off my arms.

I'm not embarrassed to be topless in front of him, I'm excited. This time I let my eyes scan all of the marks on his skin. Jasper grabs the top of my pants and slowly pulls them down my legs, offering me his hand for balance as I step out of them. The feeling of anticipation grows inside me, lifting at the heavy, crushing weight of my guilt. He offers his hand again as I step into the water and slides in behind me. I stand with the water pouring over my face, and when I open my eyes and look down I see the drain running red. He washes and conditions my hair and each touch of his skin is like a war within my body... need and want versus guilt and regret. When he is finished washing me I mean to step straight out, but instead I turn around and look at all of him. I can't deny that part of me is very pleased to see his erection.

Jasper grabs me by the upper arms, lifts me out of the shower and wraps me in a scratchy, too small towel. He guides me to sit on the toilet and then starts brushing the knots out of my hair. In the mirror I see that there is already a towel wrapped around his waist. I'm so confused. I wanted to be here with him; I want him. But it feels tainted and wrong and not at all how I had imagined.

"Why does it have to be like this?" I know he doesn't have an answer.

He crouches down in front of me and wipes the tears from my cheeks with the back of his hand. I can feel his breath on my face as he speaks.

"Everything dies, baby, thats a fact." I know he's right but it doesn't make this any easier.

JPOV

She's nodding her head, tears trailing down her face. I wish I could just take all of her pain but I know it is not my place. Some things, no matter how painful or desperate, need to be felt. So I've been holding back and only pushing out small bouts of calm if she gets really worked up.

A part of me is very happy the man was already ripped to shreds when I got there, I would have regretted killing him and I can see that Bella would never forgive me. I owe that man everything for keeping her safe and whole during my absence, and yet my jealousy would never have allowed him to walk away. I still don't know many details, just what I gathered from Bella's reaction and the house. I want to know all the details. I want to know everything she is feeling and everything that has happened to her in the last 8 years.

"The man in your house, he was the father?" I have to know, I am desperately hoping there was only the one man in her life.

My question surprises her; she hops to her feet, eyes wide and mouth open. I push more calm at her and she slowly nods her head before walking out of the bathroom. I pull my jeans on again, tucking my waning hard-on into the waist band before following her. I can't help but be excited to have her so close, but I know she is far from ready and I do not want to overwhelm or frighten her.

She is sitting on the edge of the bed staring at the blank TV screen. Her heart is hammering in her chest, her emotions shifting more quickly and intensely than I have ever witnessed. Grief, hope, guilt, hate, love, lust, disappointment, desperation and excitement... cycling through her. Beneath it all there is the undercurrent of pure contentment and intense love that I have felt ever since Bella passed out in my arms. His heartbeat, like his emotions, never wavers marching on like a soft, steady metronome. It seems a little strange to me that he can reside within her and have no sense of her distress, but what do I know of babies and pregnancy.

"He was your husband?" I ask, lowering myself onto the foot of the bed next to her.

Her hands fidget worriedly the edge of the small towel that barely covers her thighs. Bella draws a deep, deliberate breath, in through her nose and out through her mouth, before she answers.

"Dan... his name was Dan. And yes, he was my husband."

She is staring straight at me, as if daring me to ask more. I know this is not the right time or place for this, she will tell me everything in her own time if I let her. But I'm not sure I can wait.

"How long were you married?" I push on, like I can't stop myself.

Her hands move to her hips as her emotions are swirling and rolling. I can't even pinpoint which one is more dominant.

"I was married for three years... Fuck. How long were you married?"

I'm not stupid enough to open my mouth again, I just let her rant. She starts pacing, balling her fists, raising her voice, glaring fucking daggers at me.

"I didn't plan any of this." She grabs the rings hanging from her neck, as if for emphasis. The gesture isn't needed, she has my full and undivided attention.

"I never wanted to be married and knocked up. I never even told him I was pregnant. You want to know why I married him?" She takes a deep breath, and I'm not sure how she's still standing there with the emotions boiling up inside of her. Through all of this, though, I feel his steady love and contentment, never wavering.

"Nothing made me happy. Not renting my first apartment; not graduating university; not fucking; not even TV or a bunch of weed. There's only one place where this ever ends, and I didn't want to die alone." She's screaming by the end; crying, tears and snot mixing together and running down her face.

"You don't think I feel guilty and horrible? He loved me so fucking much, and all I ever thought about was you. If there was an award for the most awful cunty bitch to marry it would obviously go to me. He could have been loved, he could have had a life and a future." Her breathing came in hysteric little gasps, her pacing had become stumbling.

"I don't even know who I betrayed. He should still be alive, and yet I feel so guilty that I couldn't just fucking wait for you. And why? There is no good way to end this. There's this great big you, and little old me. There will never be a happily ever after." I imagine myself bent over her, pushing my venom into her veins. I have very little doubt about how this will end.

Her shield comes down so fast I feel like I am left in a vacuum of my own confusion and fear. Blood is trickling out of her right nostril, her eyes roll up into her head and she blacks out again. The room instantly fills with emotions. His a constant forceful push and hers a dull flicker like static. I catch her before she hits the floor and cradle her to my chest.

I pull the cheap, stiff sheets back and lay her on the mattress. I take a closer look at each of her tattoos, desperate to know the story behind each one, as I take off the damp towel and pull the covers up over her. I stand at the desk staring at my phone for 15 minute before I convince myself that whatever her shield is doing to her is not bad enough for me to call Carlisle, yet. I still don't know what has happened with Edward, Alice and the rest of the Cullens; I should call Rosalie but I want to stay in this bubble of just Bella and I for a little longer.

I crawl into the other side of the bed, leaving my jeans on. I slide right up to Bella and lay my arm over her belly, burying my face in her hair. She melts into my touch, sighing contentedly just like she did in the truck. Over the next 8 hours, with Bella wrapped in my arms, I try to determine every possible scenario and outcome of this situation. I will change Bella, I know that. The timeline and almost everything else will depend on what has happened with the Cullens. And then there is the unborn baby. The opportunity to watch life unfold is one my kind rarely gets. When your chances fall in your lap like that, you have got to recognize them for what they really are.

I called Peter right after Bella passed out the first time, and despite how badly I wanted too I didn't mention the baby. He and Charlotte were waiting for an update, and I needed a vehicle and knew he would have something somewhere. We couldn't come home to Texas right away, and they agreed to wait a few weeks before joining us. Peter could tell there was something I wasn't telling him, but how do you tell your brother that nothing will ever be the same. Once they know this child, once they feel him they will be unconditionally tied to him. Our family is about to get a lot bigger, and if you consider that this child might share his mother's gift it is also likely to get a fuck-load stronger.


	9. Throw Away My Misery

**The Weakerthans "Reconstruction Site"**

JPOV

Bella starts to move as the sun starts creeping through the cracks in the curtains. She turns her body into my chest, flexing and releasing her muscles. She licks her lips and blinks her eyes before taking a deep breath in through her nose.

"That may have been the best fucking sleep of my entire life." Her eyes are shining, making her look like a completely different woman than she was last night.

"Mine too, Darling."

I`m pleased to see her smiling instead of crying. I hate her pain; no matter how justified she is in feeling it. I will gladly spend the rest of my existence doing everything in my power to keep her from ever feeling like she did last night. Sadly, there is a long road ahead of us and I know I will fail.

Bella`s toes find my feet and move up my legs under the hem of my jeans as her face pushes into my chest. For the first time since we have been reunited her emotions are nothing but light and happy. She feels contentment and relief and I am ecstatic to think that it is likely a result of waking up in bed with me. I wrap my arm around her, pulling her tight against my body, memorizing the warmth and smell of her. There is a tug on the waistband of my jeans as Bella wraps her fingers through one of my belt loops. I feel lust slowly lacing Bella`s emotions and I want to claim her. I want to make her undoubtedly mine. But I know she`s not ready and this isn`t something I am willing to fuck up. I've got the time, I got the hours, I got the days, I got the weeks. I am in this for the long haul; I can give Bella as much time as she needs to heal.

Her voice breaks the silence.

"Thank you...for everything. I can't imagine what might have happened to me if it weren't for you."

Bella runs her fingers through my hair, pulling my face to hers. Her lips are soft and incredibly warm; her breath is rich and intoxicating. The kiss is chaste, her lips are barley parted but by the time she pulls back my head is swimming. She licks her lips, and part of me can't believe any of this is real.

"So, do you want to fill me in?" Bella is nervous but determined; she is ready to know exactly what's going on. "Is Edward dead?"

"I doubt Carlisle would have let things go that far. I need to call Rose and find out what happened after we left."

"Rosalie?"

"She's the one that told me where you were."

"Rosalie?" She doesn't believe me.

"Neither her nor Emmet wanted to leave after your birthday. They both wish they hadn't."

"Then why did they leave?" Her voice is hard.

"Because Alice is a conniving bitch who gets what she wants."

Bella arches her eyebrow in response and I repeat everything Alice had confessed. Bella listens without interrupting. Her emotions hover somewhere between anger and fear. As I finish she leans her forehead against my chest. Eventually she takes a deep breath and looks up at me.

"She saw this?" Bella asked, gesturing to the small space between us.

I nod, "I guess it was meant to be, even long before you were born."

"She pretended to be my friend so she could kill me so we wouldn't end up together..."

It's not a question. Bella is seething with anger. She jumps out of the bed and starts pacing back and forth across the small room.

"Why aren't you angry?"

"I am."

"Oh, really?" Her brown eyes are narrowed on me; her voice is dripping with sarcasm.

"I am furious. But I have waited 150 years for you to wake up in my bed and I don't ever want to forget how fucking good it felt."

Her mouth falls open and her eyes seem to cloud over. Her anger suddenly evaporates and is replaced by awe. I wait a full minute, and when she hasn't moved I call her name. Her eyes blink, her head snaps up and her anger comes flooding back, backed by a heavy dose of embarrassment.

"That fucking cunt!" She shouts. Her hands make fists as she pulls her shield up.

I am on my feet, right in front of her almost instantly.

"You have to stop using that shit. I know you are upset and you think it will protect you, but it is hurting you. We don't know what it's doing to you or that baby." My voice is hard. I am not leaving any room for argument.

I feel the barrier dissipate almost instantly. Guilt, anger and frustration push out of her. A tear falls down her cheek and she takes a deep breath. She calms slightly, enough that she can speak.

"I'm going to take a shower." She takes another deep breath. "Call your sister and find out what the fuck happened."

Bella slams the bathroom door so hard behind her that I worry it may have broken. I sit on the end of the bed and listen to her move around the bathroom and turn on the water. She's angry, she's hating and raging. I have to remind myself that these are all justified responses and none of this is truly my fault. The sound of the water changes as she slips in, she lets out a deep sigh. A flash of contentment slices through Bella's anger. She takes deep breaths and her emotions shift to vengeance. She is very still, I don't hear any movement. I feel lust slowly pushing out from her, overriding everything else.

I lick my lips. I rub my palms up and down my thighs. Her anger is almost gone, she is wanting. I can't stop myself; I push my own lust out to her. I hear her feet moving. There is a squeak as her hand grabs the wet metal bar. Her heart quickens and I hear her breaths deepen. I feel her pleasure and I am rock hard. She is moving around under the water and I hear a little moan. I push out more lust and pleasure and Bella's breath hitches as she cums.

I am surprised when her pleasure isn't instantly replaced by anger. I feel so guilty. What the fuck is wrong with me? Bella doesn't need shit like this, not now. Her heart beat is almost back to normal, she is calm and content. I am shocked; for the first time in almost a decade I find myself hoping Alice is right. I want Bella. I want this to work out more than anything I have ever wanted before. I need to go call Rose before I fuck this up any further. I pull on my shirt; grab my phone and head outside, flipping the dead bolt so the door stays ajar.

I slide down and sit with my legs stretched across the sidewalk, leaning back on the uneven vinyl siding. I dial and wonder if Rose is still using the number I have. She picks up after only one ring.

"About fucking time."

"Rose, is he dead?"

"Not yet. But Emmet has three of his fingers." I'm slightly torn; I want Edward gone and dead, but I want the pleasure of ending him myself.

"Where are you? What happened? Where is Edward, Alice?"

"We are in Montana; Emmet wanted to take his frustration out on a bear. Carlisle broke up the fight."

"What did he say? Carlisle?" I want to know how he could possibly justify letting Edward go.

"He punched Emmet, in the face. We were both too shocked to react. He said we had to give Edward a chance. That we needed to help him and Alice. It was a fucking mess, Carlisle was losing it. Eventually we just left, I tried to bring Esme but she wouldn't leave Carlisle. We left them watching Alice and Edward digging through Bella's house."

"What were they looking for? Where are they now?" I want to know what the fuck Alice is planning. I wish Rose had ripped her head off and saved me the trouble.

"I don't know. We fucking left." I can feel her getting angry.

"Fuck." I mutter. I am angry too.

"Has she told you she's pregnant?"

I am silenced with shock, how the fuck could she know that? Silence stretches out between us, feeling like an extra year of high school.

"Yes... do they know?" I try to keep the fear from colouring my voice.

"Not unless Alice has seen it. I found the pregnancy tests in the outside garbage as we were leaving Bella's house." I let out a gush of air I hadn't realized I was holding in. "I made sure there was nothing left for them to find."

"Thank you."

"Emmet and I want to see Bella."

"Not yet," I respond, "She needs time. We need to lay low for a while."

"Where are you taking her?"

"Peter has place," I say. "Hopefully we can stay hidden until the baby comes."

"Are you fucking my face?" Her disbelief is clearly evident.

"I am not fucking your face."

She sighs before moving on. "So what exactly is your plan? You're just going to play house?"

"Best case scenario: we get rid of Alice and Edward and things are stable enough that when the time is right he gets to choose."

"And what if you can't get rid of Alice and Edward and things are not stable?"

"Then we will do whatever we have to in order to keep him alive, until he is old enough to turn. "

"And Bella?"

"Rose, you know what is going to happen to Bella."

"When?"

"Sooner rather than later."

"And you and your baby mama have discussed this plan?"

I pause. "It hasn't exactly come up yet."

"Jesus fuck Jasper! Are you expanding your family or building an army?"

"Who's to say those things have to be mutually exclusive? You do remember we're vampires right?" I struggle to defend myself.

"You won't be able to do this alone, they will find out. Alice will see something, eventually."

I know she is right.

"I have Peter and Char."

"You are going to need me and Emmet, as well." She is determined.

"Why are you so interested in Bella?" I know what she's interested in. There is one thing she has always wanted.

"Fuck you!"

"Rosie?" I ask in my most patronizing voice.

"Fuck, our family is ruined. We're not stupid. You're strong. She's going to be unbelievably fucking strong. We never wanted to hurt her, Emmet fucking loves her…" She trails off.

I add the one other thing that is drawing her to my camp. " And the baby."

She sighs, defeated. "The baby."

"Ok, but you can't come yet. I need you to try and find Edward and Alice. Figure out their plan."

"We can go back, and try to track them from her house. And you can have your precious time alone, if you keep in contact. But we meet up before the baby."

"Yes, that will work." I'm relieved, if they have left a trail Emmet and Rose will find it.

"What makes you think it's a boy?" her voice is quiet and soft once again.

"I don't know, just how it feels I guess. " And then the line goes dead.

BPOV

I am dressed, my wet hair in a braid, standing over the desk looking at a Polaroid of myself when Jasper pushes the door open. I hold it up for him to see and ask why he brought it.

"You look so happy. I want you to always look like that." I don't know what to say, I'm flooded with happiness. I hold out the picture and he doesn't hesitate to grab it and slip it into the pocket of his jeans.

I don't mention the shower. He doesn't mention the shower, but I think he feels guilty. I wish I had the courage to tell him how much I needed that release. What a relief it was to feel that pleasure.

He tells me that he called Rose. He tells me that Edward is alive, and that Rose and Emmet are going to try and track him. I feel a sliver of guilt at the thought of them putting themselves in danger for me, but then I remember just how much they owe me. Maybe this is exactly what we need to even out.

I ask Jasper how long I was out before waking up in the truck yesterday and he tells me I passed out just after midnight. He ran the 800 kilometres to Abbotsford and the truck with me in his arms. I keep asking questions.

"You ran almost all the way to Vancouver... and now we're driving east?"

He nods.

"Why not run the whole way?"

"With both cops and vampires looking for you blending in with the masses is your best bet of going unnoticed."

"Where are we going?" I ask.

"Peter and Charlotte have a small house just north of Ottawa, on the Rideau River."

"And what are we going to do once we're there?"

"Wait... and hope Edward and Alice don't find us."

"Wait for what?" I'm getting frustrated. I feel like there is something I am missing.

"For him." Jasper replies, his finger pointing to my belly.

We are back in the truck and on the road before I get the chance to over think his response.

JPOV

This road trip with Bella is the most human I have felt since becoming a vampire. We take 4 days. I drive the speed limit. We spend the nights in cheap motels, and I wish I could fall asleep to the beat of her breathing. We sit in restaurants and truck stops while Bella eats greasy food and sips on scalding hot coffee. Yellow highway lines lead us across the country, the scenery slowly changing outside the windows. Bella chooses the music, scrolling through the same list again and again trying to find something new.

The time passes too quickly. I would be happy just to drive forever. We sit in comfortable silence, we talk. Bella's emotions run the gamut: forceful, passive, negative, positive, reactive and reflective. But she stays calm, and they don't overpower her. She doesn't need my help controlling them. She changes and heals right before my eyes.

In southern Saskatchewan I use my phone to take a picture of her standing in a wheat field, sticking out her tongue. I text the picture to both Peter and Rosalie, I want them to see how she is with me. On a sidewalk in Brandon, Manitoba I crouch down and scrawl my name with hers in wet cement. We are leaving Thunder Bay, pulling back onto the highway when she glances sideways at me, smiles nervously and says:

"I know you might roll your eyes at this, but I'm so glad that you exist."

Her words make my heart swell. But I'm scared when I realize the risks. I no longer have nothing to lose.

BPOV

He drives and I watch the miles roll by. I think about the past and the future. I make a list of all the things I will tell this baby about his father, and it eases my guilt. Eventually I just decide to throw away my misery. It never meant that much to me.

Jasper asks about my tattoos. I tell him the sun with the Om in the center is from the last postcard my mom ever sent me, how she wrote that we needed to travel to India and become Hindu and swim in the Ganges. I play him the album that sports the same image as my arm; he thinks it's sad, I argue it's hopeful. Jasper guesses correctly that the numbers on my calf are the ones from Charlie's badge.

The first night of our trip I had a nightmare where I was trapped under water with the ghosts of all my lovers. I wake, gasping for air and Jasper holds me tight, whispering into my hair:

"My darling, my sweetheart, I am in your sway."

I slept peacefully after that, curled up together under the covers and basking in the feeling of his cool skin pushed against mine. He holds me so tightly; I think maybe he is afraid I will just disappear.

The days pass and before I know it we are pulling up a gravel driveway tucked in to dense trees. The small A-frame is completely hidden from view; you wouldn't know it was here until you were parked in front of it. Jasper walks me around the house, showing me the lush green yard and the private dock that slips into the wide river. He unlocks the door and tells me to look around while he gets our things from the truck. I look in every room, but all I find are dust and shadows. You would never know vampires owned this house.

I'm excited to be here, about to start some type of life with this man. I realize he is waiting for me to be ready. He will not proceed unless I give him a sign. The idea comes to me suddenly, and while it is dramatic I am excited by the thought of finally letting go and moving on. I stand in the bathroom, building my courage and conviction, and then strip down to my bare skin. I hear Jasper closing the door to the truck as I slip out the back door onto the lawn.

When I reach the edge of the dock I look back toward the house and see Jasper sitting on a wicker chair, his eyes focused on my body. I move out over the water, the uneven planks slippery from the cold water splashing up. I hold up the thin chain that hangs around my neck, rubbing the rings back and forth between my fingers for a moment. I pull the necklace up over my head and toss it unceremoniously into the cold water. I watch the metal sink until I can no longer see the sun glinting off it. I turn around and let my eyes meet his. I push all of my certainty and love towards him as I slowly walk back to the house; it almost allows me to ignore the nervousness creeping in.

JPOV

She doesn't say a word. Just kind of bites her lip and gives me a half smile as she walks right by into the house. I follow her up to the bedroom. I watch her stand in the dappled sunlight as I lean on the door frame for a few minutes. Her heart beat is steady, she is nervous but calm.

"You trying to tell me something?" I ask.

She turns to the sound of my voice, her breasts jiggling as she moves. Oh god, I try to focus on her eyes.

"I've made my choices and I know I'm not hurting anyone. I don't need to be forgiven. I need to move on." She steps toward me. I'm overcome with the thrill of the new and unknown. I am eager to explore her body for the first time.

Bella takes another step toward me. She is pushing out mix of love and lust and conviction. Her voice is steady. "I need your breath and your body and the taste of your skin."

The building lust nearly overpowers me as I fight the urge to throw Bella down and have my way with her. Suddenly we are pressed tightly against each other, and I take a moment between kisses to mutter, "I want you". She lets out a little moan and bites hard on my lip as we kiss more and more passionately. Our lips fit together so perfectly and move together in unison as I grasp harder at the back of her neck. I feel her hand rubbing the bulge in my jeans and I press back with my hips. I kiss and bite her ear and neck as she rubs harder and harder against me. She unbuttons my jeans and reaches in, letting out a little giggle when she realizes that I'm not wearing underwear. She unzips my fly with one hand, and pulls my cock out with the other.

I watch as she slowly kneels on the floor in front of me, looking up at me, waiting. I step up close to her and bend down, using my hand to arch her neck up so I can kiss her soft, swollen lips. She runs her hands up my calves and thighs until she is caressing my hard cock again. She breaks away from our kiss, pulling at my waist, making me stand straight up. Her hands slip into the waistband of my jeans and slide them down to my knees as she pulls me eagerly into her mouth. Her hands slide up the backs of my legs and squeeze my ass as she continues to lick and suck, pulling me towards her body. We lock eyes with as she looks up at me through those sexy lashes, seeing her gorgeous lips around my hard cock takes me right to the edge of climax. It's one of the hottest things I have ever seen, and I'm sure it is an image that will be replayed in my mind for the rest of my life. I reach down and cup the back of Bella's neck, moving my wrist back and forth along with her.

I take her hand and guide it to her breasts. She pushes them together for me, and I squeeze and pull slightly on her nipple with my right hand, my left never leaving the back of her neck. I find the whole situation so unbelievably sexy that I am concentrating on trying to take the whole scene in, lock it into my memory. Her, peering up at me through those thick lashes, lips pursed around the tip of my cock, topless, pressing those perfect, perky tits together, and that round ass peeking out behind. Passion consumes me, reality slips away as I can focus on nothing but how much I want her, how much I need her.

I grab her by the shoulders, pulling her up flush against my body, then I push her down onto the bed. Bella's legs spread for me, bent at the knee, hanging down the side of the bed, and I step in between them. She holds her hands above her head, and I lean down above her body, kissing and licking at her breasts. I brush my cock deliberately against her, rubbing lightly up against the sexy little mound of hair. With one hand I reach down and begin to rub the head of my cock against her clit, stroking myself at the discovery of her growing wetness. As she starts to squirm, I stand up and step back from the bed. Bella stays on her back, legs spread. I stand beside the bed for a moment, taking her in from top to bottom. She looks so fucking hot laid out on her back for me. She pulls her knees together, teasing me with just a glimpse of her bush, arching her back just slightly.

She spreads her legs again as I climb up onto the bed and get on my knees between them. I spread her lips open with my left hand as my right runs up the inside of her thigh. I start rubbing my cock up and down her wet pussy, almost unconsciously, and with a small move I slide myself just slightly inside her. She moans and bucks her hips toward me, and I work myself deeper and deeper into her until our hips are pressing together and I am holding myself above her. We kiss and the taste of me on her lips makes my cock throb inside of her. She arches her back, offering her tits up to me as we grind together. I suck and nibble on them, slipping my arm under the curve of her back and pulling her body toward me. I worship Bella's breasts with my mouth, kissing furiously and passionately at her chest.

I grab hard at her calf muscles and pull her leg up tight to my chest. We thrust into each other rhythmically, my left arm wrapped tightly around her leg and the other exploring her thighs and hips. I get lost in the waves of pleasure I'm feeling from her, kissing and biting at her leg while grinding into her. I pull her other leg up over my other shoulder and feel the first hints of climax starting to build, but can't break myself away from her. I pull ever so slightly at her tangled hair and slip my left hand back to her hip as my thrusts grow more and more intense. As I get closer and closer I can tell that this is going to be a momentous orgasm, my hands gripping at her hip bones as I thrust deeper and deeper. I feel her tightening around me as she cums, sending me past the point of no return, my own release erupting inside of her warmth.

My grip on her hips breaks, and I collapse down onto her body, my face pressed against her shoulder. We just lay there for a few moments, breathing deeply as sensation returns to the rest of our bodies. I kiss her neck and lips, she wraps her arms around me and we cuddle close together.


	10. Everything I Thought Sacred

**A/N: Please excuse my absence, September was a total gong show for me. I have set aside some time to work on this story and hope to get a the rest out in a more timely fashion. Huge thank you's to everyone who has read and reviewed, you are all total babes. **

Soso "All The Useless Things These Hands Have Done"

EPOV

I saw the girl come up from the subway, moving along slowly in a mass of commuters. It was her eyes that caught my attention. She is about 5 inches too tall and her hair is limp and thin, but her eyes are brown and deep. Her eyes are vacant but they have the familiar look of bottomless pools of melted chocolate. I stay about a block behind her as we move out of the bustling commercial area and onto quiet tree lined residential streets.

As we move away from the crowds of people all I can hear is the crunch of brittle leaves and her sad predictable thoughts. She mentally organizes her plans for the evening: ordering chinese takeout; a quick load of laundry; watching her favorite police drama; going to bed alone. For a second she considers calling the man she went out with the previous weekend, wondering once again why he hasn't called. She decides against making the call, not wanting to seem desperate while at the same time trying reassure herself that she is not destined to be forever alone. Her steps slow and she begins digging into her purse, eventually extracting her keys.

She stops in front of an old, narrow, dark, three story brick building that has been split into apartments. I watch from across the street as she unlocks the front door and then a minute later the windows on the top floor light up. The phone in my pocket vibrates, I ignore it and move silently to sit on the rusted fire escape watching as she removes her coat and moves slowly around her small apartment. In her bedroom she slips into worn sweat pants, hanging her work uniform so it isn't wrinkled for tomorrows shift. In the bathroom she washes her face and then stares into the mirror poking and picking at her pores. I focus on the reflection of her eyes as I listen to the beat of her heart and whoosh of her blood. I focus on her eyes because they remind me of Bella's eyes. I focus on her eyes because that is the way I will get the most satisfaction.

I am stealthy and silent, it would be no problem to drain her before she even knew I was here. Instead, I slip through her living room window and purposely knock over a side-table. The crashing sound draws her out of the bathroom and as soon as she sees me her thoughts become jumbled and panicked. I move around the couch towards her. She stumbles backwards, barely managing to slam her bedroom door in my face. I crash though the flimsy door slamming into her body. She hits the wall, cracking the plaster and losing consciousness for a few seconds. I wait until she snaps out of it before I continue my advance. I want her awake, I want to see her eyes.

Once she is looking at me again, I stride forward. Her breath catches in her throat and her eyes widen, but she cannot speak. Her thoughts are frenzied. As I am standing over her my phone vibrates again and I have to stop myself from crushing it out of annoyance. I reach down and grab her bare foot, yanking on it and dragging her whole body closer to me. She is so scared that she doesn't even notice the temperature of my skin. I run my fingers along her calf and up the sole of her foot. I wrap my long fingers around her pinky toe and snap the bone. She screams. I move onto the next toe. This time the jolt of adrenaline she gets is enough to help her speak.

"What do you want?" Her voice is high pitched and shaky.

"I want to see the pain in your eyes."

Her thoughts are more coherent. She thinks I am insane, that maybe she can keep me talking. As she starts to open her mouth I break the next toe and all that slips past her lips is a scream. She kicks and bucks her body, trying to pull away from me, but I hold her like a vice. Now my phone is vibrating non-stop and I am internally cursing Alice, but I don't stop. I wrap my fingers around her ankle and squeeze until I hear another crack. The brown of her pupils start to roll up behind her eyelids, I slap the palm of my hand across her cheeks just hard enough to keep her with me. I shred her sweatpants, exposing her pale, blotched skin. Her eyes lock with mine, unable to look away as my teeth find the artery in her thigh. The similarity between these eyes and the ones I used to spend hours gazing into is erie. I hold her gaze as her warm blood fills my mouth. As her heart beat slows I feel my cock twitch, but it never fully hardens. I don't want these eyes, I want Bella's eyes.

Her thoughts slowly fade away with the beats of her heart until all that is left are the insistent vibrations from my phone. I finally pull the offending piece of technology from my pocket and see several missed calls from Alice. I set the phone on the unmade bed and call Alice on speaker phone while I retrieve my souvenirs from the girl. Alice picks up on the first ring, she speaks quickly and excitedly.

"I finally saw something."

BPOV

The days quickly melt into weeks and we easily fall into a routine. I fall asleep each night with his arms wrapped around me and his breath on my neck. We walk along the river bank in the mornings, our shoes wet with the dew. He sits at the table and watches intently every time I cook a meal. We watch every genre of movie and I fall asleep on the couch more times than not. When he goes to hunt I pass the time by researching everything to do with pregnancy on the internet. We venture into the city every week or so to stock up on food, movies and books. He tells me every detail of his long life and in return I share my short one with him. We talk about everything... except the future we are both acutely aware of.

It's a crisp fall afternoon when Jasper asks me if I would go on a date with him. At first I laugh and insist that dating is overrated and unnecessary. He presses me, though, saying things like he 'was raised to be a gentleman'. When I finally agree he smirks and tells me he got me a special outfit for the night. I find the outfit laid out on the bed, a short black maternity dress that hugs my growing belly and plunges to expose my swollen breasts, sheer bright purple tights and shiny patent leather shoes with a kitten heel. I quickly dress and descend the stairs to find Jasper looking breathtaking dressed in black pants, a black button down shirt and a black tie. He takes me to the National Gallery and spends hours listening to me talk about my favourite pieces of art. He guides me through the large building with his hand on the small of my back, placing soft kisses on my neck and ears every time I get excited about a painting or sculpture.

The ride home is silent and comfortable. Jasper cuts the engine on the truck and is instantly opening my door and helping me down. Once I am steady on my feet he leans in, brushing my hair behind my ear and whispers in a firm, commanding voice.

"I want you to go inside and take off everything except the tights. There is something I want to do."

My head swims and I have to steady myself on his arm as I walk inside and up the stairs. He leaves me at the top of the stairs, guiding me toward the bathroom as he enters the bedroom. I stand in front of the mirror, feeling my stomach knot and jump with nerves. I don't know what he is planning; I don't want to disappoint him. I want to show him just how much I trust him, that I would do whatever he asks. I strip down and take my panties off before pulling the purple tights back up my legs. I can see the small patch of dark brown curls through the sheer nylon and I notice a small run in the material covering my ass.

In the bedroom a row of candles on the dresser provide a low, flickering light. Jasper is sitting on the bed, barefoot and shirtless. His scars shining in the candlelight. The top button of his black pants sits open, exposing a trail of soft blond curls and no hint of underwear. My Ipod is in his lap and I can hear deep, resonating beats coming from the headphones. He is holding a soft black blindfold, with a pair of scissors and a coiled length of rope on the mattress beside him. His fingers pull apart the strap on the blindfold. My heart echoes the ripping velcro.

I'm so wet my tights are already soaked through.

"I thought I could help you relax, forget about everything else and just focus on how you feel when I'm touching you." Jaspers voice is low and soft. He licks his lips. His eyes are black and I am nervous, but not afraid.

"I think I would like that very much." My voice is hardly more than a whisper and I sink to my knees in front of him. I want so badly to show Jasper the trust I have in him that I will happily relinquish all of my control to him.

Jasper leans forward, his elbows resting on his knees. The cool skin of his face rubs against my warm cheek. His nose is buried in my hair and I hear him inhale deeply. Then his lips are crashing against mine. His tongue pushing past my teeth, his cool sweet breath clouding my head. When he finally pulls away my lips are numb and I gasp for breath, my fingers gripping his forearms to keep myself upright.

Jasper quickly removes his pants before pulling me onto the bed. I am sitting with my back pulled flush against his chest. His bare thighs are pushed against mine and I can feel his coarse hairs poking through the nylon tights. He holds the soft black blindfold over my eyes and attaches the strap around the back of my head. I am plunged into complete blackness, my heart hammers with anticipation. His fingers trail down the sides of my breasts and gently snap the waistband on my tights. I feel his cool breath on my ear before he speaks.

"Is this ok?"

I nod, I am so eager I can't find the words.

"I want you to listen to the music and relax."

The headphones cover my ears and I will myself to relax. I feel Jasper's fingers on my shoulders, pushing me back onto the bed. I feel his lips on my neck and then hear his voice just audible above the music.

"I'm going to cut your tights."

In the darkness Jaspers touch feels electric. His fingers start at my right hip and trail slowly down my leg, occasionally tugging at the fabric. He grabs my ankle and brings it up to his shoulder. His hand moves back down my leg, knuckles rubbing the thin, moist patch of fabric between my legs. Long fingers pull the fabric away from my thigh and I feel the cold metal of the scissors. His fingers push against the exposed skin, pulling at my tights to widen the rough hole. He repeats this again, and again, and again up and down my legs. I feel the scissors biting and the fabric tearing over the pulsing of the bass and it sends shivers down my spine. Jasper finally cuts away the fabric covering my center and runs his cool fingers through my moist pubic hair.

I need to feel him. I reach out and my fingers find his body, searching until they are skimming the soft skin of his sack. Jasper guides me, covering my hand as I wrap my fingers around his shaft. I hold him tightly, pumping up and down. He pulls my arms over my head, holding my wrists tightly. I feel the weight of his body over mine and his voice cuts through the music.

"Naughty girl, I'm supposed to be touching you."

His lips are on my throat, and I feel his cool breath moving down my chest. His tongue lightly rubs against my nipple and he pulls it into his mouth. I arch my back and push into him. He licks his way from one breast to the next, my nipples hardening in response. His hands are still pinning my arms above my head, his legs pushing against my inner thighs, his hard cock lightly rubbing against the warmth of my pussy.

"I'm going to tie your hands."

"Yes...Please." I can feel my arousal dripping down my thighs at his statement.

His chest pushes against mine as he loops the rope around my wrists and pulls it tight. His hands drop down and between us and gently separate my wet lips. The head of his cock pushes against my swollen clit and I moan in response. I hear his deep groan over the music, and then he pulls away and I can't feel him.

Jasper turns me over like I weigh nothing at all. Cold fingers grab my hips, pulling them into the air; my shoulders and face pushing down onto my bound hands. His fingers tug at the rough holes in my tights, they slide over my pussy and up along the crack of my ass. Even with the music pounding I hear the sharp snap when the flat of his palm lightly spanks my round ass.

Jasper's fingers push on my knees, moving my legs further apart and opening my pussy to him. His tongue lightly strokes the skin on the back of my thigh as his fingers circle my clit. I feel his cool breath against my thighs and I squirm trying to find more friction. Jasper sucks my sensitive clit into his mouth; I pant loudly and push into him. He pulls back and the loss of contact leaves me begging.

"Please..."

His hands firmly grab my hips, pulling them to his face as he licks from my clit up to my ass twice before plunging two fingers into my slick folds. He keeps moving, switching between his tongue and fingers until I am on the edge. His tongue is plunging in and out of my pussy when he pushes his pinky into my ass. I cum so hard that I collapse forward on the bed, seeing fireworks in the darkness of the blindfold.

Jasper wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me off the bed. He slowly pushes into me, reaching around and finding my clit with his fingers before he starts to rock. I push back into him, eager for more. Our pace increases until we are frantic. He fists his hand in my ponytail, pulling my head back and I feel his teeth ghosting lightly along my neck. And then his rough voice is right in my ear.

"I'm going to cum all over your ass."

His fingers find my clit again as his cock slides up and pushes against my ass. His fingers pinch and I can't think; I moan and push and grind as I cum. I feel his hardness throbbing and pulsing before I feel his cold cum spilling out and dripping down my thighs. We collapse forward onto the bed, my shaking legs unable to hold us up. After a few minutes Jasper pushes himself off and gently removes the headphones and I finally open my eyes he is looking down at me with a smirk.

"Well, what do you think?"

"I think I fucking love you." I know I can't live without you.

RPOV

I look at the dim stars, contemplating where we went wrong as I wait for Emmet to return. After Jasper called we had immediately returned to Bella's house to find it a smoldering pile of ash. There had been a faint trail smelling of Alice, Edward, Carlisle and Esme but it died at a car dealership in the next town. It was impossible to follow their scent once they got in a vehicle. In the absence of a solid trail to follow we spent weeks criss-crossing the country, heading to the scene of every violent death that may have been caused by a raging vampire, hoping to catch their scents. The only thing that kept us going were the updates from Jasper; knowing we had something to fight for, a family of sorts waiting for us in that small cottage.

Eventually a gruesome murder in New Hampshire lead us to a stale trail Edward had left. It had been days since he had been there and the trail lead us nowhere, but it was the first sign of him we had. We kept searching the area and had found traces of Edward and Alice's scents all over Maine, New Hampshire and Massachusetts. But each trail had died out and lead us nowhere. And so I'm waiting, leaning against a moss covered log in a thick patch of forest for Emmet to return from following one of these trails. We know we are close, it's just a matter of finding something that will expose them to us.

"Babe!" Emmets voice reaches me moments before he breaks silently though the trees.

I'm on my feet instantly, crouched and prepared to attack whatever might be following my mate. Em skids to a stop in front of me, grabbing my shoulders. His eyes are wide and dark, he is so excited he is almost shaking.

"I know where they're staying."

"Where?"

"A boarded up old church just outside of Nashua, it looked empty but I could smell the two of them all over the place. We need to hurry."

I run as fast as I can, just steps behind Emmet. But I stop instantly when we approach the dilapidated building. I can smell Edward and Alice and the reek of rotting flesh.

"Any sign of Esme or Carlisle?" My voice is quiet and reserved

Emmet grabs my hand as he shakes his head. The last bit of hope I had been holding onto evaporates. I know I will never see my parents again.

"I came back for you as soon as I smelled this place. I didn't go in." Emmet warns me as we climb the creaky rotten stairs.

There is a thick chain looped through the door handles with a thick rusty padlock handing off it. Emmet pulls on the handles and the wood cracks and splinters releasing more foul smelling air. He pulls the shards of wood out of the doorway and steps into the darkness. I take a deep, unnecessary breath before I follow him. There are no lights, but I have no problem seeing the disgusting mess before me. The interior is one large room, mostly empty. There are no pews left; the only sign this was ever a church is the organ at the front next to a platform that was once an altar. The floor boards are soft and rotting, covered in some areas by dank, moldy shag carpet. There are holes in the ceiling, vines pushing through the old singles and rafters. Where the paint remains it is bubbled and flaking from the moisture that has gotten inside.

The stench is almost unbearable, I can't imagine the pristine Alice and Edward that I knew in this space. Yet their scents are the only things I can smell besides death and decay. I take in every detail trying to find anything that might give us some clue as to what they are planning. There is an old roll top desk in the back corner, I lift the lid to find pages and pages of loose leaf covered in blue pen. The pages remind me of homework, the alphabet and simple words repeated hundreds of times. My hands start to shake when I realize the writing looks almost identical to Carlisle's; the subtle differences I notice seem to lessen as I flip through the pages until the script is an exact replica of my fathers.

"They were working on forging Carlisle's handwriting." I hold the pages out for Emmet to examine.

My mate shakes his head in disgust before returning the pages to the dirt encrusted desktop. I stick to the back of the room opening two doors along the wall and find a small bathroom that hasn't been used in decades. Emmet walks slowly towards the front of the room; pushing garbage and debris out of his way with the tips of his boots. I open the second door and the stench of death is worse than anything I have ever smelt before. There are rickety steps leading down into a dirt basement; the floor is completely covered in a lumpy decaying mass. From the top of the stairs I can just make out different colour fabrics and skin; I can see the motion of the maggots.

"I think it's safe to assume they are not vegetarians anymore." I can barely choke out the words because of the stench.

Emmet doesn't answer. He is standing at the front of the room, looking up at the altar. I can see him shaking. I shut the door on the horrific scene in the basement and work my way towards Emmet. As I get closer I can see that the front wall has been covered by uneven squares of different fabrics. It isn't until I am right beside Emmet that I realize it is hair and not fabric. The whole front wall is covered with scalps that have been roughly nailed to the wood.

"What in the fuck!" I can't contain my horror and disgust.

Emmets hand squeezes my own. And then he points to the very centre of the wall. My eyes focus on the bright white blonde colour first, but then they find the soft caramel hanging just below it; two heads of hair I would know anywhere. I can't stop the venom from rising in my throat and coating the floor and my shoes. I feel like the walls are closing in on me and I can't breathe. I run for the door, stumbling over everything in my path. When the cold air hits my face I start to sob and sink down on the steps, rubbing my eyes with the palms of my hands. I long to produce tears to have an outlet for my rage and pain; everything I thought sacred is ugly and profane.

I can't tell how long I sit like that before I feel Emmets hand rubbing small circles on my back. When I am finally able to raise my head I am shocked to see his face. I have never seen my mate look so terrifying. His eyes are pitch black, venom dripping down his chin and neck.

"We need to go to Jasper. Now."

Emmets voice is hard and commanding.

"Bella is not safe."

He pushes a cardboard box into my hands. I open the flap and see charcoal drawings like Alice would always make when she was trying to focus on a obscure vision. The first few I pull out are just Jasper's face from different angles. Then I see one of Bella; she is sitting in Jasper's lap and his hands are cradling her huge belly.

"They know," I murmur. I can't keep the fear and defeat from my voice.

Emmet pulls me to my feet. He turns me to face him, leans down and presses his lips tightly against mine. He pulls back and tilts my head up so I am looking into his eyes. When he speaks his voice is softer, almost pleading.

"They will not harm her. We cannot let that happen."


	11. Gazing Through The Fog To The Other Side

**A/N: If you guys keep the reviews coming I promise I will keep updating as soon as I can. I want to thank letsjustdance for letting me know that I have been nominated over at Jaspers Darlin's for their "Everything's Bigger in Texas" contest. So go vote for your favorite Jasper story (hopefully that's More Blood Than Sleep). I also wanted to thank TrueSkye for two of the greatest reviews I have ever read, you are my hero! Lastly check out my profile to see the amazing banner my husband (who is also my beta) made for me and for the playlist from Bella and Jasper's big date night (just incase you want to play along at home).**

Blitzen Trapper "Black River Killer"

CPOV

The sun is hovering just above the horizon, the large prairie sky blazing bright orange into red and purple. I watch the glowing orb's slow progress from my back porch without ever moving. I try to project an image of serene calm and unending patience; just as I have for the last excruciatingly slow 12 weeks. But on the inside I am screaming in frustration. What is Jasper doing? Why isn't Bella here with us? How much longer will I have to wait until I meet my sister?

I'm drawn out of my inner monologue by the sound of Peter's bike rushing up the long gravel drive. I'm shocked when I hear the shiny chrome beast crash to the ground; Peter loves his bike. I rush into the house just as Peter slams the front door open. Relief floods his face when he sees me, as though he was worried I might be gone.

"It's time. We need to go." His voice is flat and emotionless.

I've been waiting for this moment, but I am unable to move. Something isn't right. Peter is holding something back.

"The Major called you?" I won't proceed blindly, I want all the facts.

Peter shakes his head. Then sinks into his worn leather recliner. He leans forward, placing his elbows on his knees and his forehead on his hands. He takes a deep unnecessary breath before looking up and locking eyes with me.

"No." His voice is quiet. I wait for him to continue.

"Something is wrong. Something is happening and we NEED to be there, even if Jasper doesn't know it yet."

I nod and extend my hand to my mate. His fingers encircle mine and we head out the open front door and away from the setting sun without so much as a backward glance. Our house, our possessions, they mean nothing if our coven isn't safe and secure. We move with purpose and urgency, avoiding populated areas so we can run full tilt without accidentally attracting unwanted attention. We run for hours without speaking or slowing. As we move out of Kansas and into Nebraska Peter slows slightly and looks behind us with suspicious eyes before picking up the pace and moving even faster than before. My mate doesn't stop or explain and I follow his lead without question.

The miles disappear beneath our feet and the darkness surounds us. When the border to Iowa is on the horizon I hear a noise behind us. Peter's head whips around; I have no doubt he also heard the sound. I give him a questioning look and he increases his speed again. I am running full out. Then the wind changes bringing the scent of vampire up from behind us. Peter stops, turning to face whoever is following us and standing protectively in front of me.

"There is only one." His whisper is barely audible.

For a few seconds we can hear the sound of running feet, then before he reaches us the vampire slows to a walk. He knows we are waiting for him. We are still as statues as we wait for him to appear. It feels like an eternity. My body is humming with an electric cocktail of anticipation and fear. I am not surprised to find I recognize the tall, lanky vampire that moves slowly out of the trees and into the moonlight. We have crossed paths with almost all of the nomads on this continent at one time or another. He approaches us with his arms extended, his palms facing up in a show of peace. Peter relaxes, but only slightly.

"Why the fuck have you been following us, Garret?" Peter's words come out as a growl.

"There are members of the Volturi Guard on American soil and they have been questioning every vampire they cross about the two of you and the Major. They are specifically interested in your powers and the size of your coven." His voice is quiet, and his ruby eyes glance at the trees over his shoulder as if he expects to find someone watching him.

"Most of the Nomads are vanishing. They want nothing to do with the Volturi and know better than to cross the God of War. But I thought you deserved to know what's coming your way."

Peter's stance relaxes and he releases a deep sigh.

"Why the fuck are they involved in this?" Peter's words are no more than a mutter.

"I don't know what situation you all have gotten yourselves into here, but they cannot take an unwilling vampire. We are still free creatures. If we allow them to come after one of us, none of us will ever be free again." Garret's quiet voice takes on a hard edge as he backs towards the trees.

"And I, for one, would be willing to fight to protect that freedom if it comes to that. I know there are others who feel the same."

He turns around, his long, sandy hair swinging across his slender shoulders, and steps back into the bushes. I call after him softly.

"Garret, thank you…we are forever in your debt."

His footsteps pause, and his voice drifts out of the darkness.

"I'll be keeping my ear to the ground. I have a feeling we will be seeing each other sooner rather than later."

We listen to his retreating footsteps for a full minute before we turn and resume our frantic pace.

APOV

It is beyond fantastic to finally be back in civilization. I know all the sacrifices I have made over the past few months are necessary if I want to get Jasper away from that conniving slut, but that doesn't diminish the joy I find in true luxury. Edward and I arrived in New York City early this morning and our appointment isn't until the evening which gave me time to shop. It feels indescribably fantastic to be wearing real clothes again, no more dirty rags for this woman. I even managed to find an outfit that Edward agreed to wear, though he refuses my attempts at grooming.

A door man clad in a long red coat greets us, holding open the large ornate brass door and bending slightly at the waist as we walk into the Waldorf-Astoria hotel. I stride purposely across the large lobby, my Loubitan heels making only a muffled click through the oriental rug. Edward stops in the middle of the room, leaning against the beautiful mahogany and gold grandfather clock and stares absently at his reflection in one of the black marble pillars. As I approach the desk I am greeted by a short, stout man with thin white hair and a grey complexion.

"My name is Alice Cullen, we're here for a meeting with one of your guests."

The man scans the book on the counter in front of him and then hurriedly ushers us into the elevator. I can see his nostrils flaring as he is assaulted by Edward's ripe odour in the confined space. His eyes travel up and down Edwards reflection in the shiny brass doors, taking in his new charcoal grey suit, dirty skin, and disheveled hair . I mentally remind my brother to keep his mangled hand hidden in his jacket pocket. When the elevator stops the man steps out and motions down a long hallway.

"They are expecting you." His voice is polite and professional.

My shoes produce a sharp click as we step out onto the shiny black and white marble floor. The noise echoes off of the high, rounded ceiling and wood paneled walls. A grand piano sits at the end of the hall, shinning under the large crystal chandeliers. Edward runs the fingers of his good hand lightly across the keys as we move around the piano to a set of glass doors. Before I can reach out and grasp the handle the door swings open; a tall, thick vampire with chalky, ash dark skin and short black hair ushers us into a room with a long wooden table with fifteen chairs on each side. He pulls out two of the chairs at the end closest to the door for Edward and I. There is another vampire with a similar complexion looking out a large window on the other side of the room, he does not acknowledge us. The second vampire is thin and muscular with wavy shoulder length hair.

As Edward and I take the seats offered to us, a third vampire enters the room. She is petite, with chin length mousy blond hair; she moves so smoothly the she almost appears to be floating under her long grey cloak. Her wide burgundy eyes seem to be smirking as she takes a seat at the opposite end of the table. She lays her palms flat on the table top and licks her lips before speaking.

"Edward and Alice, I presume?"

"You must be Jane." Edward's voice comes out smooth and steady, in stark contrast to his appearance.

"The brothers were under the impression I would be meeting with Carlisle," she questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"My father is... otherwise engaged." The lie falls effortlessly from my brothers lips.

I can't help but remember the fear in Carlisle's golden eyes as Edward had advanced on him. His calm voice begging Edward not to lose himself to the darkness; to remember the love and happiness he once knew. How I had to restrain a sobbing Esme as the quiet night air had filled with a familiar metallic screeching noise. How Edward had repeated, "You will not interfere in this", over and over in a cold dead voice. Esme's shaking voice warning me, "He will never forgive this. He will never love you again." The feeling of my own hands tightening around Esme's throat, separating it from her slender shoulders as the anger spread through my veins like fire. The sight of her unmoving, pulverized face when the anger finally passed; her eyes were still wide, gazing through the fog to the other side.

Edward shoots me a angry glance. The tip of his dress shoe smashing almost silently into my shin.

"It's too bad he couldn't be here," Jane's lips twitch up into a half smile. "The brothers were truly intrigued by his letter."

Edward's eyes are shinning, he is clearly proud that his forgery fooled Carlisle's oldest friends. He rests his elbows on the table, the fingers of his good hand covering his mangled fist as he leans forward.

"It is nothing if not an intriguing situation." Edward grins his practiced lopsided grin. He would be charming if it weren't for the dark brown splatters on his hands and neck, the dirt encrusted under his nails... and the smell.

"I was told to warn you that this was not something we would normally get involved with. However, the brothers may be willing to make an exception. The young woman has shown some very promising abilities and they believe there is a chance the fetus may be similarly gifted."

Edward grimaces slightly at the mention of the baby, but regains his composure almost immediately.

"Any assistance you could offer would be greatly appreciated." My voice seems especially high pitched under the impressive ceilings.

"Felix has been researching the vampires involved." Jane motions over her shoulder to the large vampire who let us into the room. "Your mate and his coven are especially interesting. The brothers would very much like to… talk with them."

Jane's eyes are locked on my face watching for any sort of a reaction. I don't give her the satisfaction. This is what I want. If Jasper is with the Volturi Guard he will be safe, and contained, and accessible to me. I know the brothers are interested in my power, I would gladly join them if Jasper is there.

"I think that would be the best solution for everybody." Edward glances at me after he speaks and I nod in agreement.

"Unfortunately," Jane interjects, "Demetri has been unable to locate them. He is our best tracker." The slender vampire at the window turns at the mention of his name.

"Her shield is very effective, she even seems to be able to shield people she is nowhere near. However, her condition seems to be effecting it's consistency. If we are patient we will have no trouble finding them." Quips Edward, and this time his smile is genuine. His teeth show, and any charm he had previously exuded disappears.

Jane pushes her chair back and it squeaks as it slides across the hard floor.

"Then we wait." Jane's eyes sparkle with anticipation.

She circles the table until she is standing directly beside Edward and she extends her small hand which he grasps firmly. Edward and I both stand and move towards the door when her voice stops us.

"While I am pleased to see you have returned to the proper diet of our kind it does not mean you need to live like feral animals. Take a fucking shower before we meet again."

JPOV

I hear a deep sigh as Bella slips into the warm bath I ran.

"Oh, baby that's fucking perfect." Her words are almost a moan.

I have to reach into my jeans and readjust myself as I walk into the bathroom. Her head is resting on the edge of the tub, her long hair piled in a messy knot on the top of her head. The tops of her breasts and the roundest part of her belly are poking out of the soft white bubbles. I kneel down beside the tub and kiss each of her closed eyelids. My fingers slip in to the water, they run up over her bump and circle her belly button that is threatening to pop out any day.

I grab the soft sponge resting on the edge of the tub and start to slowly wash her pale, flawless skin. She is projecting serene contentment that almost mirrors the feelings the baby has had since the very first time I felt him. Bella sighs and pushes lightly into me every time our skin makes contact. I wash her arms. I hold her breasts and clean every inch of them completely. I work the sponge down the outside of each leg and then back up the insides. I allow my fingers to brush against her pubic hair but hold back and allow her to just relax and enjoy her bath.

Suddenly, I feel a burst of mischief and Bella wraps her wet arms around my torso pulling me, fully clothed in to the bubbly water. Water splashes out over the floor and she giggles hysterically.

"Oh, you think that's funny?" I question with a smirk.

I push a handful of water at her, soaking her face and hair. She shrieks and hops up jumping out of the tub and running naked and covered with bubbles out of the bathroom. I follow her into the bedroom, dripping water from my soaking clothes. She giggles and runs around the bed. I let her stay just out of my reach, following as she runs down the stairs, almost out of breath from her laughter.

"Do you want a spanking?" I am unable to deliver the line with a straight face, her laughter is infectious.

We are rounding the corner at the bottom of the stairs as Bella stops dead in her tracks. I am shocked to find Peter and Charlotte and standing in front of her, their eyes wide and questioning. Bella's shield is down instantly, this is the first time she has pulled it around herself since we arrived here. I can feel Charlotte starting to panic where as Peter is just very curious. No one says a word, they both just stare intently at me.

Bella lasts just over a minute before her shield falls and she crumples. She is in my arms instantly. Her wet, bubble covered skin pressed tight against my soaking clothing, her large round belly protruding up into the air. A small trail of blood dripping from her nose.

"What the fuck is going on Major?" It is clear from the tone of her voice and the tenor of her emotions that my brother's mate is about to lose her shit.

Before I can answer there is knock at the door. Three vampires, and we were all so intent on Bella that not one of us heard anyone approaching. The door swings open wildly and Emmet's large body practically fills the small entryway. Rose pushes in behind him, and suddenly everyone is talking at once. I try to concentrate on the words but I am overwhelmed by the scared, panicked emotions swirling around. When I can't take any more I use my most commanding voice to get their attention.

"What are you all doing here? I told you to fucking wait until I called you."

Rose is the first to speak. Her voice is quiet and urgent.

"Alice had a vision, they know Bella is pregnant."

"You knew?" Jealousy floods the room with Charlotte's response.

I feel instantly guilty. It was selfish to keep this information from Peter and Charlotte for so long.

"How do you know?" My voice is tense and strained.

"We found their lair," Emmet speaks softly, his eyes never leaving Bella's swollen belly. "Alice had been sketching to help her concentrate. We don't know what they're planning, but it looks like they killed Carlisle and Esme and were working on forging Carlisle's handwriting."

"I think we know what they are up to." Charlotte grabs a blanket off the back of the couch and covers Bella's exposed body as she continues. "It appears that they pretended to be Carlisle so they could get the Volturi involved."


	12. The Things You Do For Love

**A/N: A huge shout out to all the amazing babes reviewing, favoriting, and signing up for alerts. Your responses keep me going. **

The Mountain Goats "love love love"

JPOV

Bella is still out cold, tucked away in the large bed upstairs. Charlotte has been sitting on the foot of the bed, cross legged, watching her intently for hours. I contemplate telling her that Bella could use some space, but think better of it. Charlotte was still brimming with jealousy, anger and fear; I knew some time watching Bella sleep would help her calm herself and hopefully give her some perspective. I have been selfish, there is no doubt of that, but could she blame me? Wouldn't she have wanted as much time alone with them as possible? Couldn't she see that nothing would ever be the same? Couldn't she see that I am nothing without this woman.

The rest of us are gathered around the small kitchen table attempting to hash out a solid plan. We have trouble agreeing on the best course of action. Everyone has an opinion and none of them are the same. Rose is insistent that protecting the baby should be our only focus. Emmet thinks Peter, him and myself should attack as soon as possible and try to surprise Edward and Alice, leaving Bella with Rose and Charlotte for protection. He tries to sway Rose by telling her that getting the threat out of the way before the baby comes will offer him the most protection. I counter that with the Volturi involved it is not a feasible option. Peter believes that our strength lies in numbers, that keeping Bella surrounded by as many vampires as possible is the only way to ensure her safety. He suggests trying to involve the nomads. I refuse to involve vampires I don't fully know or trust with a pregnant human. They are all in favor of relocating to somewhere "safer". I can't help but ask where this safer place is. No one has an answer.

When every opinion has been exhausted we sit in silence. After ten tense quiet minutes I decide I am done with committees and tell them exactly how we will proceed. While it is unfortunate the Volturi are involved and most likely aware of the baby, it is neither unexpected nor a reason to hastily relocate. I always assumed Edward and Alice would recruit help of some sort; even with their abilities they could not take all five of us down on their own. Our strength does lie in our numbers and now that we are all finally together splitting up is not an option. I remind them that Bella's shield although inconsistent is still providing us some shelter; if they knew where we were they would already be here. Moving to a new location doesn't really offer us any extra protection. Plus making a big decision, like moving, is more likely to alert Alice. It makes the most sense to stay put for the last three months of Bella's pregnancy. To stock everything we will need for the delivery and try to remain here, under the radar for as long as possible. I'm surprised when Charlotte is the one to agree with me.

"The Major's right. The ball is in their court." Her voice floats softly down the stairs.

"Then we wait. And when the time is finally right we will fucking destroy them." Peter sums up our plan of non-action perfectly.

It takes a few weeks for everyone to adjust to the close quarters of the cottage. It's hard for me to control my jealousy and protectiveness with everyone wanting to get know and reconnect with Bella. It's unnerving to see each vampire clearly drawn in by my girl and her growing belly. The feelings of awe and commitment push on me from all sides and I have to fight the urge to tell them all to fuck off and leave my family alone. I know I need them all, and I know I need them committed, but it doesn't make it any easier to swallow.

the waves of fear and anticipation help to keep me grounded, though. Every time I find a vampire sitting still as a statue staring into nothing, their emotions push on me, reminding me of what is coming. Without those bursts of apprehension, dread, and frustration I might almost forget the storm brewing on the horizon.

Charlotte and Rosalie instantly fall into caretaker roles and, to my surprise, Bella doesn't resist. It's as though she knows their need to care for her is just as much about them as it is about her and our growing family. It becomes a common sight to see Bella spread out on the couch, one vampire rubbing her feet while the other works on her shoulders. Bella encourages Charlotte to go over in great detail all of the adventures our little coven has ever had. When I question her about it, she just smirks and says something about 'wanting to know how other people see me'. One afternoon I return from hunting with Peter to find Bella holding Rose, sobbing as she recounts exactly what her and Emmet found in the disgusting den where Alice and Edward had been residing. My girl uses the palm of her hand to rub soothing circles on Rosalie's back, but when her eyes lock with mine across the room they burn with loathing and bitter outrage.

I can't help but think eventually Edward will regret every decision he has ever made.

Peter is the only one who doesn't seem to want to smother Bella with attention. Yet I often wonder if he isn't the one with the strongest connection to her. It's as if they manage to understand each other perfectly without so much as a word. I often see them exchanging quick glances from across the room, accompanied by a raised eyebrow or a smirk. They seem to make each other calm and amused at the same time. Yet I feel little jealousy when it comes to Peter, without his encouragement and understanding over the last decade Bella would not be in my life, Victoria would not be dead. It's as though Peter and Bella are truly siblings despite the nearly hundred years between their births.

Emmet, on the other hand, is driving me fucking insane. Spending time with the human who once trusted him so completely has him drowning in guilt over his choices. And Bella seems happy to punish him, letting him stew in his regret and remorse for weeks. I feel pity for the big oaf but I also feel Bella has every right to make her point. She never expected anything from Rosalie, however Emmet had made it clear, time and time again, that he was her family and he had walked away without so much as a backward glance. We were in the cottage almost 3 weeks before Bella finally caves and shows the gentle giant some affection. Bella calls him over, addressing him and using his name for the first time since he joined our group.

"Emmet, would you like to feel him kicking?" Her voice shakes, and I can feel her hurt mixing with her pity.

Emmet nods his head and is beside her instantly. She grabs his giant paw in her tiny hands and holds it low on her bump, just above her pelvic bone. Emmets eyes widen as he feels the movement through her body. When he looks up, at her face I can see the venom pooling in his large golden eyes.

"Bells, I'm so sorry-" His unsteady voice is cut off by her hard firm one.

"It's over Emmet, and I don't ever want to to talk about it." She locks eyes with him until he nods, making it clear he understands.

After that Emmet's affection and attention is nearly constant. On more than one occasion I swallow a deep growl when I find my girl tucked up in his lap, or his head against her bump listening to my boys heart. I might become truly jealous if I didn't know how completely her heart belongs to me. Rose sums it up perfectly one afternoon as she watches me watching Emmet and Bella.

"She has no fear you will leave. It's the complete opposite of everything she had with Edward. She knows with every fibre of her being that neither of you could survive without the other."

"That's the only thing stopping me from ripping his fucking head off." My voice is a quiet controlled growl.

Emmet glances at me with an apologetic smile from across the room. I rub my fist against my eyes and then lean my head on Rose's slender shoulder.

"Just try to remember," she says, "the things you do for love are going to come back to you one by one." Her voice is soft and melodic, almost a song.

I never realized how much I missed my sister. She had been one of the only Cullens to truly understand me. On top of that, she's a fierce bitch, definitely someone you want watching your back. I am relieved to count her among my family once again.

The hardest part of having so many vampires in such close quarters is the lack of privacy. The walls are paper thin and everyone hears every little sound. At first Bella is very self conscious of this fact. She is embarrassed every time she uses the bathroom, and being pregnant that is frequently. Every time we are lying in bed and things start to heat up she remembers our audience and shuts down. I'm frustrated, but I let Bella take the lead. I don't want to push her to do anything that makes her uncomfortable. Plus if the past few months has been any indication, she won't be able to hold out much longer... eavesdropping perverts or not.

Before our guests have been with us for four weeks, Bella caves. She is sleeping, lying in the bed with my arms wrapped around her. I can smell her arousal before she is even awake, her thighs rubbing together trying to find some friction. Her eyelids flutter open and she yawns, looking up at me with hooded eyes. A mischievous smile plays across her lips and I know in that moment that my girl no longer gives a fuck.

She licks her lips and then leans forward and draws my nipple into her mouth. I release a deep moan. She pushes her hand firmly against my shoulder, wanting me to lie flat on my back. I oblige and she immediately moves to straddle me.

She leans down, whispering, "I missed you," before engulfing my mouth in her own. I am so intent on her taste and smell that I almost don't hear Peter's comment from downstairs.

"About fucking time."

I return Bella's kiss, running my fingers through her disheveled hair, shimmering in the weak morning light, and hoping she didn't hear Peter's smart ass remark. I know I am safe when her lips and teeth find my earlobe and I feel her warmth on my abdomen. I lean forward and bury my face in her swollen breasts. I take a deep breath savoring the scent of her salty skin. One nipple rolls between my fingers while the other hardens in my mouth. Her moan comes out as almost a squeak, and I know my horny girl won't last long after so many weeks of abstinence.

Bella pulls away from my mouth and slides down on my body. She works her tongue over the scars covering my skin as she grinds her clit against me, coating my cock in her wetness. She licks and sucks and moans as she traces a trail down towards my pelvis, grinding herself against my legs in the process. She stops when she is hovering right above my hard, throbbing cock, resting on her knees with her belly in the space between my legs. She leans in and runs her tongue along my skin, circling the area I most want her to touch. My cock twitches in anticipation. She drops further down and circles my balls with her tongue, pulling them one at a time into her warm, soft mouth.

Bella moves up to my shaft, softly tugging at my balls with her left hand. Her tongue finds the base of my cock and licks upwards in firm strokes. Once my shaft is practically dripping she runs her tongue along the head, circling and flicking before she finally pulls me deep into her mouth. With her lips wrapped tightly around her teeth she moves down until I hit the back of her throat. She wraps her free hand around the base so she is covering me completely and I moan loudly as I fist my hands in her tangled hair. At first the rhythm is gentle, but then it escalates until I can see her ass and breasts bouncing up and down with the motion. She pushes me so close to the edge that I am worry I may not last long enough to cum inside her.

When I am right on the edge she pulls back, looking up at me with her huge brown eyes and smirking. Her tongue finds me again, coating me with her spit and stroking me in the most amazing way. She shimmies up the bed and pushes her breasts together around my cock. I can see the head of my cock just pushing out between her cleavage and the visual is almost too much for me. I moan incoherent words as she rocks back and forth over me, occasionally bending her head down to swirl her tongue around the head of my cock.

Bella moves up my body again, reaching over me and grabbing the headboard for support. She reaches down between us and whimpers as she slides down onto me. When she begins to rock I place one had on her hip for support and I cup her breasts, squeezing them tightly together with the other. She leans forward, her belly pushing firmly into me as she grinds against me. As her pace increases I move my hand from her hip, dropping my thumb between us and pressing it against her sensitive clit.

Both of her hands are on the top of the headboard, her head thrown back, hair cascading down her back. Her breasts bouncing and heaving above me. I hear her breath catch in her throat at the same moment I feel her cum dripping down onto me and I am hit by the force of her pleasure. I sit up, burying my head in her breasts and pulling her down firmly onto me as I release into her with a growl.

I fall back and she collapses on top of me, her hard bump wedged in between us. A minute later the sound of a tree snapping outside pulls Bella out of her blissful reprieve.

"What the fuck is that?" Bella's voice is calm, but fear is taking over the pleasure she was feeling only a moment ago.

"Nothing to worry about," I assure her. "Just Emmet and Rosalie letting off a little steam. I think I may have been projecting a little bit."

Bella is quiet for a second as she listens thoughtfully to the ruckus outside.

"Peter and Char?" She questions.

"Peter didn't last that long sweetie. He lost it around the time you were titty fucking me."

"Oh, poor Char." Bella feigns real concern before she bursts out in laughter.

Peter's voice drifts up from downstairs,loud enough for us both to hear.

"You two jokers can go fuck yourselves."

"Obviously that is no longer necessary, Brother." My voice is loud and cocky, my eyes memorizing the way Bella's breasts jiggle perfectly when she giggles.

After the fifth week, Emmet has what he describes as a brilliant idea. He knows Bella misses painting and art so he returns from Ottawa one afternoon with the truck bed full of art supplies. Multiple easels, canvases, palettes, brushes and paint. We all stare with raised eyebrows as he sets up 6 identical painting stations in the living room. When he is finished he turns to us and announces proudly that he has eleven seasons of The Joy of Painting on DVD.

Bella laughs uncontrollably pointing at Peter and almost choking.

"I bet you just fucking love to paint!"

Peter's only response is an extended middle finger. But he paints, again and again just like the rest of us, because it makes Bella happy. After a week every inch of wall space in the living room is covered with slight variations of the same landscape oil paintings. After two weeks we have worked out way through more than eight seasons and Emmet and Peter appear slightly intoxicated every time we start a new episode; who would have guessed my brother was really a repressed artist. Eventually Rose threatens to break every paint brush and palette knife in the cottage.

"If one more of these retarded assholes mentions a happy little bush to me they are getting a cock punch," Rose announces to the entire house, extending a long, manicured finger threateningly at Emmet and Peter.

"Babe, you don't mean that. Bob Ross is God. Fuck Monte's water lily's, they have nothing on Bob Ross's happy little bushes." Emmet is giddy, willing to take any punishment from Rose because Bella is happy.

"I really wish Em had never found out about PBS," I sigh defeatedly.

I can't tell what Bella enjoys more, the actual painting, the group activity, or just watching us all being goofy. But my girl is in good spirits. My family is happy.

BPOV

It's hard to believe we haven't always been together. That I had another life before this. Even though we are all waiting for the other to shoe to drop I have no doubt this has been the happiest time of my life. The six of us somehow seem to perfectly complement each other, a perfect fucked up little family. In the back of my head I know this is too good to last. Some nights when I'm lying in the dark I start to think about what will happen next; sweat beads on my brow and my limbs start to shake. Jasper never says a word, he just buries his face in my hair and holds me tight again his chest until the only thing I can think about is the feeling of his cool body wrapped around me.

I haven't left the property since everyone congregated here, yet time still slips quickly by. Before I know it there is snow on the ground and every time I look in the mirror I stare in shock at the size and shape of my own body. There is a constant ache in my hips and lower back, like I can actually feel my joints loosening and making room. My gate has devolved into a sad, slow waddle and my feet are so swollen I had to send Charlotte and Rose to buy me shoes in a bigger size. I can't believe that I still have over a month and a half to go. I feel like I have been pregnant forever.

I agreed to a small Christmas celebration as long as no one made a huge deal out of it. I want to believe we will all have many more Christmas's together in the future. Yet I can't help but feel overwhelmed as Jasper leads me down the stairs into the living room, lit only by the soft glow of Christmas lights. The tree is fresh, Emmet and Peter had spent hours finding a perfect one the day before. The decorations are simple and understated, just the glowing lights, tinsel and glass balls frosted in various shades of white and cream. There is a small pile of presents laid out under the tree, and I have no doubt I will be opening them all. But what is most overwhelming to me is spread around the room, all of the people I love; my family.

Jasper sits on the couch and pulls me into his lap. He cradles my huge belly in his hands, as he rubs his nose in my hair. Everyone has a goofy smile on their face and I know Jasper is absorbing and projecting the feelings of hope and contentment. I sip on a glass of eggnog as Rose and Char pile all of the presents around me and then encourage me to start unwrapping.

I can't help the smile that spreads across my face as I open the gift on the top of the pile. I pull the paper back to find a small canvas, this one is not a landscape. It's a painting of Jasper and I standing on the dock, hand in hand with the sun setting behind us. I look at Peter but I can't find the words I'm looking for.

"See, I'm not always a douchebag," He says. His voice is light and joking but he locks eyes with me, offering a small nod.

I feel like I am almost drowning in the love swirling around me. I return Peter's nod and wipe at my eye with the back of my hand. My emotions are in overdrive and I don't know how I will make it through all of these presents. I reach for the next one and am relieved when I extract a piece of fabric. I unfold it to find a tiny, soft, white onesie. I hold it up, entranced by how small it is; I can't even imagine a person small enough to fit it. I don't notice the tears streaming down my face until Jasper's cold fingers are wiping them away.

"Shhhhh. Sweetie are you ok?" His voice is quiet, right behind my ear.

"I…" I gulp for air. "How can I…" I stumble to my feet, barley catching my balance.

I can't stop looking at the tiny little piece of clothing. As if this one thing has finally made the last 8 months real. My hands are shaking and every pair of eyes is focused on me.

"How can I do this?" My voice is panicked, almost sobbing. "I want him to be safe how can I bring him into this? What the fuck is wrong with me? How is this the best thing?"

The words are rushing out. I'm fighting to keep from pulling down my shield in my panic. I'm shaking and everything about my body feels foreign. For the first time I truly try to wrap my mind around this baby's future. There will be no grandparents, or vacations to disney world, or parent teacher interviews. I feel the walls pushing in on me and I have no idea what to do. Six faces are staring at me in complete confusion. All of a sudden Rose's voice, quiet and calm breaks the silence.

"We will do whatever you want. If you want something else for him we can arrange it. We can find a family, whatever you want."

The thought of giving him away hits me like a weight in the chest. The tears are streaming down my face, snot running from my nose and I am gasping for breath. I have no idea what I want.

"Everybody get the fuck out of here!" Peter's voice is so hard it snaps me out of my meltdown.

He is standing and he is pissed. His eyes are black and he is glaring fucking daggers at Rosalie. I turn to face Jasper behind me and the devastated look on his face almost knocks me down. All of the vampires are standing now and no one seems to know what to do. My sobs grow even louder.

"I told you all to get the fuck out! Someone needs to finally have an honest conversation with this girl." Peter's words are followed by a deep growl.

I'm not sure who Peter is angry at, but I am nervous. One by one my family walks out the front door. Jasper is the last one to leave, pushing out a wave of love and adoration before closing the door. The look on my lover's face wrenches my heart and I collapse onto the couch with a strangled sob.

PPOV

Bella is bent forward, sobbing with her head in her hands. I can hear the four vampires standing outside, no doubt listening closely. I take a moment to organize my thoughts. I know I am straining Jasper asking him to leave for this and I do not want to make anything worse.

"Feeling a little stressed out, Kid?" I sink down next to her.

She doesn't answer. Just sniffles, and looks at me like I'm the stupidest motherfucker on the planet.

"I can't even imagine how it feels to be you right now. To say you have a lot on your plate would be the biggest understatement of the century. I know you want to do the right thing for this baby... we all do. And thats why I'm not going to sugar coat anything. I am going to tell you the truth. Despite what Rose said, you don't have a lot of choices."

Her sobbing has stopped. Her red ringed eyes stare at me from behind her tangled hair.

"The Volturi want this baby, he has amazing potential and he is not something they will overlook. You could give him away, but it won't make him safe. They would search the ends of the earth to find him. If you give him away he would never, ever be safe. We are the only chance he has."

She swallows thickly before she speaks.

"But how do I, in good conscience, bring him into this?"

I pace the room as I try to find the right words to express the thoughts that have been running through my mind for weeks now.

"Well... I think you just have to consider that this child was never destined to live a normal life. That he is in fact destined to be a vampire. One that might very well change everything about our society. He will be stronger, more resilient, and more prepared than any that have come before him."

Bella is staring at me now. She has pushed her hair behind her ears and I can almost see the wheels turning in her head. Part of me wants to slap my stupid brother across his ignorant face for not having discussed this idea with her months ago. I know he wanted to leave her free to make her own choices, but the woman needs some good damed guidance.

"Destiny?" She exhales the word like she isn't entirely sure what it means.

"You believe in vampires. Why not destiny?"

"What do I do?" Her voice is hopeful, and I know that Bella finally has faith in our plan.

I know Jasper must have felt the conviction and certainty I can see in her eyes. He is through the door and wrapping his arms around her before I can answer.

"Be ready... and be brave."


End file.
